Am I them....and are they me??? Are we all ONE?

I am not sure... not sure if ....
Guru Arjan Dev ji, Bhai Taru Singh, Bhai Mati Das, Guru Teg Bahadur ji, Guru Gobind Singh jee's 4 sons... and the endless list of Shaheeds (Martyrs) were all made of the same 'fundamental energy' as all of us...as me, for that matter! If we are all the same as the rest of the universe, then how....
How did they possibly do all this? How did they consider their faith more important than their bodily lives???
How could they sacrifice their lives in the most painful ways, when most of us cannot even sacrifice simple things and elements of Maya (stuff that distracts you from God is often termed as Maya) ......
I can never understand...
If they were true, real Sikhs, then yes, I admit that I possibly can never be a Sikh of that...level of determination, faith (Bharosa) and really everything! Basically everything they were or are as the Souls that merged with God and the Universe...I can possibly never be......
But what do we aim at doing when we step in this path, in this Kahniyo tikhi valon nikki... Marag? I wonder!
What did I aim at doing??? I can't exactly tell....I don't quite know...I just know that I'd ever respect those who can walk on this path to a level that I might as well wanna be like them... and here I am ...Trying, and miserably failing!
But what is this all about? why am I so emotionally attached to something I doubt I can do all my life..? I don't quite know! I gues b/c it gives me that peace that I was looking for... Longing for,..ever since I've known myself, I wanted this...
And what happened now? Maybe I've never known myself well enough to know what I was/ am trying to do [Spiritually]

I am really not feeling good today, really unmotivated and well, I guess its just like a non-Sikh day for me today

But I know I've never put a genuine effort into becoming what I long to become.... I have not..ever!
I need to start taking this more seriously....
I need to get rid of the false persona....I need to get rid of things I'm feeling not ready for at this point, to make sure I don't get trapped in the excessive details which I know for a fact are holding me back....
Maybe I need to start over, and start fresh and take baby-steps....and get myself more ready for these big principles that I'm feeling stuck in right now....
Maybe I need to step up and take responsibility for my spiritual growth....I don't know!
Theres a million maybes, but now I'm stuck in things done imperfectly, and I fear starting from scratch once again... all over again...
I don't know a thing!
God Show me Light....Show me the way I need to go.... help me!
What have you destined for me???
What??? Please show me a sign.....


Oh My Lord,
Treasure Of Bliss,
have mercy on me
that I may sing thy praises
I rest ever, my hopes in thee Oh Lord!
...When Shall you take me into thy arms and thy Embrace
When Shall you take me in thy embrace?
Oh My Lord,
I am thy foolish child
bless me ever, ever with thy teachings
this child, every moment commits mistakes and faults
but still somehow, he is ever pleasing unto thee
Oh Father of the Universe
For me there is no other place where i can go, where I can Go

Wa-Hey-Guruuu

The more I meditate on Anadho Anadh Ghanaa , the more it gives me the feeling of dancing in rain....in the Rain of His blessings, His Love, as I said a few days ago.... but there's something funny about this feeling.... I am constantly reminded of this one prayer we used to sing in the Catholic school that I attended as a child.... I sing it again ... I sing it and feel the rain....

 

There shall be showers of blessing:
This is the promise of love;
There shall be seasons refreshing,
Sent from the Savior above.
Showers of blessing,
Showers of blessing we need:
Mercy-drops round us are falling,
But for the showers we plead.

There shall be showers of blessing,
Precious reviving again;
Over the hills and the valleys,
Sound of abundance of rain.
There shall be showers of blessing;
Send them upon us, O Lord;
Grant to us now a refreshing,
Come, and now honor Thy Word.
There shall be showers of blessing:
Oh, that today they might fall,
Now as to God we’re confessing,
Now as on Jesus we call!
There shall be showers of blessing,
If we but trust and obey;
There shall be seasons refreshing,
If we let God have His way.
And then I sing again.....

ਅਨਦੋ ਅਨਦੁ ਘਣਾ ਮੈ ਸੋ ਪ੍ਰਭੁ ਡੀਠਾ ਰਾਮ ॥
anadho anadh ghanaa mai so prabh ddeethaa raam ||
Joy - great joy! I have seen the Lord God!
ਚਾਖਿਅੜਾ ਚਾਖਿਅੜਾ ਮੈ ਹਰਿ ਰਸੁ ਮੀਠਾ ਰਾਮ ॥
chaakhiarraa chaakhiarraa mai har ras meethaa raam ||
Tasted - I have tasted the sweet essence of the Lord.
ਹਰਿ ਰਸੁ ਮੀਠਾ ਮਨ ਮਹਿ ਵੂਠਾ ਸਤਿਗੁਰੁ ਤੂਠਾ ਸਹਜੁ ਭਇਆ ॥har ras meethaa man mehi voothaa sathigur thoothaa sehaj bhaeiaa ||
The sweet essence of the Lord has rained down in my mind; by the pleasure of the True Guru, I have attained peaceful ease.
ਗ੍ਰਿਹੁ ਵਸਿ ਆਇਆ ਮੰਗਲੁ ਗਾਇਆ ਪੰਚ ਦੁਸਟ ਓਇ ਭਾਗਿ ਗਇਆ ॥
grihu vas aaeiaa mangal gaaeiaa panch dhusatt oue bhaag gaeiaa ||
I have come to dwell in the home of my own self, and I sing the songs of joy; the five villains have fled.
ਸੀਤਲ ਆਘਾਣੇ ਅੰਮ੍ਰਿਤ ਬਾਣੇ ਸਾਜਨ ਸੰਤ ਬਸੀਠਾ ॥
seethal aaghaanae anmrith baanae saajan santh baseethaa ||
I am soothed and satisfied with the Ambrosial Bani of His Word; the friendly Saint is my advocate.
ਕਹੁ ਨਾਨਕ ਹਰਿ ਸਿਉ ਮਨੁ ਮਾਨਿਆ ਸੋ ਪ੍ਰਭੁ ਨੈਣੀ ਡੀਠਾ ॥੧॥kahu naanak har sio man maaniaa so prabh nainee ddeethaa ||1||
Says Nanak, my mind is in harmony with the Lord; I have seen God with my eyes. ||1||

and really, just as a toddler on this path, I feel the oneness of it all...
It doesn't take me too much time to derive inspiration from my older spiritual encounters,
The Spiritaulity that I've ever experienced, all directs me here..........
verses from the Bible also direct me to take shelter at the feet of the True Guru, Guru Granth Sahib jee Maharaaj....
"Lord my life like a vapor, that only appears for such a little while and then vanishies (James 4:14)"
I pray that you make me humble God, for you say, "For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted." - Matthew 23:12.
Lord my body is your heavenly temple!
You say that, "If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him; for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple." 1 Corinthians 3:17

All of these talk to me... If one reinforces that:  "GOBIND MILAN KI EH TERI BARIAA
This is your only chance to achieve salvation (being one with God).
Salvation can be achieved only by God’s grace, which comes by righteous living and doing Simran (meditating) with love and devotion. Only human beings can do this. Therefore, being born as a human being is the only chance to achieve salvation. "
the other one whispers in my ear, that since my body is His temple, I need to take care of this vehicle and reiterates the vow I took to keep all my Kesh intact and not peirce / tattoo my body...." <-- the vow that I always tend to forget or ignore =(
and one stays in my head all night...telling me that /i need to be grateful.... grateful for what I've gotten as a Sikh and not walk away.... Being Humble, in my eyes, means to be thankful for all these Blessings.... I deny my blessings, I sin against myself, my own body, my own soul..... I commit sins each day....
I probably never deserved to even see my path this clearly....
but I am blessed to be here......
The biggest blessing is to have seen this....experienced Sikhi....Having had all these feelings for Guru jee...

I'm ever so grateful! Grateful for having Guru jee, wake me up, each morning,....
tuck me in bed with His beautiful Kirtan Sohila .... and letting me fall into His lap when I wanna cry my head off... hahaha!

Anyways, I'm being a crybaby again...

I should get going,
need to help my friends organize and event in my School tonight...

Thanks for being a part of my life,
  and my experience
Thanks for being there for me,
and motivating me while I cease to see my way!

Sat Naam!

Oh and I wanna write another little thing today! (yes as a different blog post)
Awww Man! So, My doctor got my blood test report and called me ....
I went to the clinic, AND guess what?
I am soooo severly Iron deficient & anaemic that it is not even funny! Basically, It's crazy that I'm alive and that I've never fainted on long working days! So I'm gonna have to take Iron supplements daily (3 times a day.....) and thats rediculus, b/c I am on a daily constant medication now, for life =(
but that's fine! I don't wanna be as irritable as I've been in recant years, almost as if I'm always in PMT  and always get irritated on everything. + the insomnia Oh and the breathing difficulty or maybe shortness of breath, sore tongue, brittle nails, decreased appetite.... Everything that seemed to be wrong with me!
So once I have enough Iron back again, I will be less Irritable and will be able to work on my relationships better! (refer to the previous blog post!) ... and if my insomnia is gone I'd be able to get up and be happier at Amrit Vela ...which would solve everything!
=)
Oh and my dad loved the Gift! Man It Was such a cool Shorts and t-shirt that any guy would love it!!!
And like I said, my dad is one cool dude, He loves us sooooo much !
<3

Take care!

OMG!!!!
Ok! so today was Fathers day..... and I went to the mall to get my dad a gift! I love shopping.....I shopped for a whole bunch of things for myself too....

But I feel like I wanna get something off my chest....
(I always do that on my blog....Its all about talking about my feelings, without worrying about being judged, b/c I trust you all....you're all pure souls and will never judge me....b/c you are here to read my heart....my relationship with you guys has nothing to do with how beautiful or ugly I am or how good or bad I write either! Our relationship is deeper than that! It is based on how you feel when you read my heart talking itself out.....Its like a heart to heart deep conversation.....I feel that with the people who write the blogs that I follow (Links on the left side bar!) I feel almost as if they are my pen friends, I don't care if I can imagine how they look...neither is it that I'd be really sad if I never get to see them or talk to them in person.....I think I can just know what they are upto...as I read them, and just feel that connection!....It is more of a feeling thing than a physical real friendship thing....I don't know....but I know that we are bonded in love that's higher than superficial shallow things....)

Alright, so, I wanted to talk about something!.... AND that is human relationships....I love my dad! I love my mom as well....In fact I love my entire family..... but since the last one year or so, I don't feel that love.....I do not see myself constantly loving my parents or siblings as much as I once did.... Yes we chose different paths in Life...Yes I rebelled against their wishes...and probably shattered their dreams for me....but then what? I have been so independent my entire teen life... even at school, I used to bike to school and do 'my stuff ' on the way...
And just being so Independent and Grown up (in that sense) made me such a self-centered little thing.... I guess, as a kid I used to think about EVERYTHING.....my parents marriage, their personal problems...their health, their financial condition, their work problems.....everything... really,  I always made sure they were fine, they were happy...and that I didn't unknowingly or otherwise hurt them.... I'd not even spend a penny if I knew they had a financial difficulty (which they hardly ever did back in the day...hahaha (with God's grace), but I still did not spend too much just so that I wasn't a burden on them...) I really wanted to make sure that they were super happy, both in their own lives and from my side...  Somewhere around when I was 18-19... I started to feel that Humans do not have the potential and the faculties to love anyone perfectly... and that is why I do not really feel pain when my mom for instance sprains her foot! I do not share her pain in the actual terms, I might say that I feel it, but really that is a lie... and so, I became really paranoid about the whole thing we call love... this is a little fuzzy concept in my head even today! but why should we quit trying, only because it seems like it won't work out....if that was how it should have been, then I should not try to love God or the Guru, b/c all I am doing is trying the almost impossible!.... but I need to try, even if I feel like I'd not do much... doing the little I can might actually help..... right?

but here's the thing....apparently, I grew up into a very immature little adult,who did not ever behave with diplomacy....I generally, just spit out what I wanna say about things regardless of whether people will like what I am saying or not... like I wanna be honest, and if I do not like to hear someone being impatient with things/people, I'd just be honest.... if I don't wanna hear someone whining about their problems, I'd just tell them how much I hate Self-pity, not b/c I don't wanna hear their problems, but b/c I do not want them to feel so bad about having those problems that they always whine about them and then calmly put down reasons for them as to why/how should they see it in a positive light.....and it always works with my friends at least...but my mom (specifically) is different, she does not like if I try to do that or it just does not work when its with her, probably b/c I am her daughter... she does not wanna see me telling her what to do, or even put up my opinions... I guess she knows life better....or it is her Hypertension kicking in and just making things worse....then what about me? do I do my part right???

Yes, that's what I really wanted to put down....I've been destroying my relationships, both to build my relationship with Guru jee (FAIL!!!! - big mistake to ignore worldly parents for being the kid of Spiritual parents...)  but really.....my mom had big time problem letting her cute little girlie who she always wanted to protect from the wrong and keep under her fin..go... she did.. and that's not b/c she did not want me to be spiritually stable or grow spiritually, but b/c she did not want to see me walking towards something I might never be able to live up to... She knew Khalsa Sikh is the ideal... and she knew I'd never wanna live with hair on my body, but I was just gonna do it without thinking much... and so, she didn't wanna see me living like a person with a lot of restrictions ... living a life that is not my true self... as if I'd live like I'm forbidden from wearing dresses or cut sleeves and other things.....but somewhere I think she was right and what she brought to the table was correct.... but I could give it a try and see it it works with me.... but there was more....she had more concerns - things that almost everyone thinks, things like I'd be all alone amongst the people I know who wears a head scarf kind of thing, she thought that people will discriminate against me, and just judge me to be a Muslim, or a terrorist if they were of that nature, she thought that I might not be able to go out and be myself hence forth... She just was worried about my safety and my emotional health... she knew I was always prone to stress and emotionally taking offense...
suddenly I forgot about all the love and all the concern I had for and towards my parents....all the worrying if they're alright, worrying about their health, their financial conditions, their love for each other and for me....................
I guess I became too busy to try and change myself.....  and start to imbibe the new faith.....being Faithful is hard...but anyways... giving it a try was all I wanted  

But today, I do not feel guilty, I came out of that phase, that dormancy in my love towards my family....
Today, I told my parents that despite the fact that I did not say this a lot this year, but I really Love you both and that I will always thank God for giving me worldly parents that are mirror images of my Spiritual parents, and my Khasam (beloved Husband Lord - as in the Gurbani) really.... all that my mom does, is out of love, b/c she wants to see me happy and safe....
And yeah if you're wondering that I forgot that I was talking about Fathers day, not Mothers day....
I didn't forget.... my dad is a purely Love personified! He's just such a lover.....a super caring dude, beautiful inside and out! He's such a good person! I am falling short of words... but really, he's the best dad there is, he's the most wonderful human being! Almost like an angel.... I know he is, I have known this ever since i was a kid..... He's so giving and always so calm..... he's definitely an Angel on Earth! There's no doubt about it!

So from now on, I guess I'm just gonna count my Mom's actual reason for stopping me on something.....I know she's way too protective, and that she'll have to let it loose with me, but still, I should see below the surface and see the honesty and the innocence in her love for me...
I should enjoy the love,,,, absorb the love and give back only LOVE....isn't that what Guru jee would want me to do......
I bet He would!

I love my parents.....
They love me.....
Life is all about giving and receiving LOVE.....isn't it?
=)
<3

Thank you Saranpreet & HarAnand!

Alright!
So I added a few different little additions to my blog....
My sikhnet playlist of Meditative Kirtan...which I'll keep adding to & I've also put up a playlist of Nitnem Banis and some other banis from Sri Guru Granth Sahib ji Maharaaj and Sri Dasam Granth Sahib ji....
All of the Nitnem banis are in English as well (I've put multiple audios of each Nitnem bani- including, Gurmukhi, Gurmukhi musical and English translation )...hence, if you come on my blog, you can do your Nitnem, even if you like to do it with translations! Just listen and flow in with the bliss of the Guru's naam!
Also, I'd think most of the audios will be download-able, so all you need to do is go on Sikhnet.com > Media > Gurbani Media Centre... and type in the Artists name... find the audio ; download it and it's all yours!
I'd like to thank the Sikhnet Gurbani media Centre developers for this great resource for all we need to stay alive - Gurbani!  It really is awesome!


I do wanna say that I did these totally because I've been so inspired by HarAnand and Saranpreet , the two beautiful Kaurs' blogs!
In fact, the reason I write this journal of mine is totally because I've been so deeply moved and inspired by their blogging! Its all thanks to them, at the first place!
A hearty thanks to the both of you!!!



And here's the loveliest gesture of pure love and compassion I've ever received in my life:

HarAnand Kaur gifted me this picture with my name calligraphy!
Its beautiful!
Its lovely!.....I for the first time disclosed my formal name in my blog, which I was blessed with, at the time of my birth, from the initial letter of the Hukamnamah received, by the grace of the Omnipresent -Omnipotent God and the Guru! This is done in most Sikh families, to get like a starting point for looking into naming a baby, in a ceremony called Namkaran.
It is like the Spiritual name (also the formal name- with the grace of the Guru, and Namkaran ceremony ends with an Ardaas, done at the feet of Guru Granth Sahib ji Maharaaj, thanking for the name thus given!)  for any Sikh child....

Harsimran Kaur, as a name is a Special gift of the Guru....I've always been called that, but now (since the last one year) is when I actually started to wanna stand up for who I am, what my name stands for.....
And , so your Spiritual name is your own personal mantra (-as Saranpreet Kaur said), which reminds you of what you can be or should be Ideally! Hence.....I am here trying to become HarSimran Kaur.... 

It has been a slow and hard journey so far..... but I just know that trying my hardest is all I wanna do!


Thank you Har Anand Kaur! this is one beautiful gift!
Thanks a million!

Dancing in the rain of His blessings!

I really wanna own a pet Tortoise! Tortoises are hella cute!    =) 
I was telling a group of friends that I'd wanna get a pet tortoise, and one of them said that because Tortoises have a really long life, of hundreds of years.... it is a really bad life (junee) to be in, amongst the cycle of 8.4 million births and deaths....
Life, (according to some GurSikhs I've talked to about this)  is rendered useless, unless you invest your time onto remembering , thanking and surrendering unto God /The Guru.....
and what I feel is that because this is our chance to go on the path towards truth and salvation...or just spiritual liberation, we, as humans can use this only chance......so, it might mean that the longer the Human life is, the better is your chance....
Although, for myself....I am not becoming a Sikh just to attain liberation.... its because I love the feeling of being at the Feet of the Guru - My True Guru (in my eyes!)
and so, I feel like I wanna have a Tortoise all the more now.....I'd love it, I'd sing Gurbani to him/her.....and consider it as a little responsibility....just out of my love for my pet...and b/c I'd want my lil cutie to go to a good place after this life.....
So what do you think guys? should I get a tortoise.....I think it'll be a seva for me and for my pet! right?

Anyways,
I wanna tell you guys something, I was listening to this Shabad:  Anadho Anadh Ghanaa
and reading (/understanding) the translations at the same time.....and it almost felt like I was the one singing this for my beloved Guru! It really felt that way... I usually feel like that when meditating on a Shabad, not otherwise...but I guess I got lucky!  
It's beautifully sung by Nirinjin Kaur Khalsa; to an extent that, I just totally was lost into it.....
I felt like I was dancing in the rain, tasting the sweetness of naam, and just being immersed in my true lord....

It goes like:
ਅਨਦੋ ਅਨਦੁ ਘਣਾ ਮੈ ਸੋ ਪ੍ਰਭੁ ਡੀਠਾ ਰਾਮ ॥
anadho anadh ghanaa mai so prabh ddeethaa raam ||
Joy - great joy! I have seen the Lord God!
ਚਾਖਿਅੜਾ ਚਾਖਿਅੜਾ ਮੈ ਹਰਿ ਰਸੁ ਮੀਠਾ ਰਾਮ ॥
chaakhiarraa chaakhiarraa mai har ras meethaa raam ||
Tasted - I have tasted the sweet essence of the Lord.
ਹਰਿ ਰਸੁ ਮੀਠਾ ਮਨ ਮਹਿ ਵੂਠਾ ਸਤਿਗੁਰੁ ਤੂਠਾ ਸਹਜੁ ਭਇਆ ॥har ras meethaa man mehi voothaa sathigur thoothaa sehaj bhaeiaa ||
The sweet essence of the Lord has rained down in my mind; by the pleasure of the True Guru, I have attained peaceful ease.
ਗ੍ਰਿਹੁ ਵਸਿ ਆਇਆ ਮੰਗਲੁ ਗਾਇਆ ਪੰਚ ਦੁਸਟ ਓਇ ਭਾਗਿ ਗਇਆ ॥
grihu vas aaeiaa mangal gaaeiaa panch dhusatt oue bhaag gaeiaa ||
I have come to dwell in the home of my own self, and I sing the songs of joy; the five villains have fled.
ਸੀਤਲ ਆਘਾਣੇ ਅੰਮ੍ਰਿਤ ਬਾਣੇ ਸਾਜਨ ਸੰਤ ਬਸੀਠਾ ॥
seethal aaghaanae anmrith baanae saajan santh baseethaa ||
I am soothed and satisfied with the Ambrosial Bani of His Word; the friendly Saint is my advocate.
ਕਹੁ ਨਾਨਕ ਹਰਿ ਸਿਉ ਮਨੁ ਮਾਨਿਆ ਸੋ ਪ੍ਰਭੁ ਨੈਣੀ ਡੀਠਾ ॥੧॥kahu naanak har sio man maaniaa so prabh nainee ddeethaa ||1||
Says Nanak, my mind is in harmony with the Lord; I have seen God with my eyes. ||1||



Take care guys!
Lemme know if you like the music and if I should get a pet tortoise....


=)

~_~

I've been singing Japji Sahib in a slow cool kinda tune, for myself, all day!I love it....
It helps me think about the words and the meanings of each line.....
I use it almost as like a mental checklist (especially, where Guru jee tells about those who sing- 'pauree with gavey', those who hear- 'pauree that talks about Syniyeya and those who apply it all in their lives - 'manniya pauree' )..... Akaal Purakh is beautiful, He is totally a ball of beautiful energy, light and I guess a pure blessing.....
I actually see that the Suniye part is applicable to my life.... I am slow... but I am in bliss, because of His name.... even though I can't walk on this path perfectly yet....I know that my Heavenly father is there for me, holding my finger and teaching me how to walk....
=) Isn't He just pure love....
Last night I was really tired and after my Kirtan Sohila, I said to Guru jee in an ardass that I wish He was something like a Genie, who I could call, and physically feel..... I wanted to hug Guru jee.... in real.... hahaha
I know I'm such a kid....but really, if Guru jee could just be a super hug-able physical thing....I'd show him in real How much I love having Him in my life....
Hahaha!

Yesterday, I went to a friends Birthday get together at her house, actually, her family is surprisingly just like mine (of course if I include my entire extended family though).... I guess this was kinda what I needed here at this point, apparently, she and her siblings too, faced opposition and resistance of their family back in the day when they came into Sikhi..... but being a part of her lil get together, just showed me that one day we (me & my lil brother) will be accepted with all that we wanna bring to the table, and that I will not have to be the rebel all my life.... and it did put up this point in my head that this resistance should not stop me...it should make me stronger~
but the one thing I know is that only Guru jee can determine what will happen in the future.... I'll let Him put up with that!

Anyways,
I had another experience yesterday, worth sharing....
I've been sobered in terms of my teen-age crushes and stuff, ever since I took Amrit.... In fact, I always, (especially when I was a teen) had a great Will  Power, and I always knew that I should never ask for the tickets of a train I don't need to catch quite yet....
I am really strong in that sense, I know what I want, or probably, its just that I am really career oriented and ambitious, I know that I will not step into a relationship, without settling down professionally, as an Emergency Surgeon, which will take at least 8 more years, and I am 21 as of this coming july...
but sometimes I imagine my Prince Charming (so to say...haha) and really, I closed my eyes last night, when I was super tired, in the car, coming back from my friends get together....and I felt my my guy....hahaha, totally random timing.... Silly me! But what was worth sharing was the next part- So, I quickly opened my eyes, and tears rolled down my cheeks, my conscience (or just my inside sound) said to me that "this is not right for a Sikh" (I was like "eh tenu Shobha nahi denda") - even though, I just felt that he'd be a super caring guy- nothing like a bad thing...... then why did those tears roll down? I did have that taste of guilt ... I don't see a real reason..... So... is it wrong for a Sikh to imagine  their future life partner ... ?
I feel so....maybe because I always did, even when I was not quite a Sikh.... I guess this feeling has something to do with my Career Ambitions....maybe it was the other priorities that over shadow deeper feelings, maybe it is the people I admire now, compared to back in the day, maybe it is the fact that A Sikh is expected to be a disciplined Sant-Sipahi, maybe it is just that Guru jee doesn't want me to think about all this yet.... I just need to see my goal.....
What it is, doesn't bug me.... but I am aware that there is something....
hahaha! But really, I'm being such a kid!

Alright!
Take Care!
Love and light
Thanks for reading my Journal... =)
Thanks for being a part of my life ... my experiences!

=)

 I am Blessed....
I sometimes get such chances, as today, I am at somebody's house, doing the night seva  at an Akhand Paath.(listening to the Paath, waking the Gyani jee's up, whose duty is comming up, making tea/coffee for those who get on/off Scriptral reading duty...etc...)
But there is something about my duty , that makes me think that it is not a seva.... Generally, doing a thing like this is a great opportunity to earn The Guru's Khushi (Happiness/ pleasing Guru),
I am happy that the Guru gives me such chances and blessings, but do I really deserve them?... do I perform my duty well enough to be offered such blessings this often?
Well, last time was better, and it was a few months ago..... I was at least hearing the paath with all my heart.....  unlike today, I guess I am a bit tired and this was like last minute notice, so I am under-slept too....I can do all my duties, but I guess I am just getting moody towards the end now....

I get scared at the fact that I am so moody about things.... I really am, and my biggest fear is what if a day of the sort, comes to my life when I lose interest for Sikhi...



Guys, Here is a link to the PDF of this really cool book about Sikhi, written in simple English, called Bandgi Nama, I've been reading it for a while, and I've not yet finished it, but it is basically almost every thing we wanna know as Curious keeners seeking Sikhism!
http://www.esikhs.com/articles/Bandgi_Nama.pdf

Check it out, read if you can..... I'm sure you'll be glad you read it, if you do!

Take Care!

Love...

But,

I've been listening to meditative Kirtan, and Mantra chants from www.spiritvoyage.com ...I love them all..... in Fact I could not sleep all night, and was just listening to Mantras....

I did my Rehraas Sahib like an hour or two ago, I feel like I was in some sort of Subtle pain....like this feeling that you cannot really describe, b/c you yourself fail to understand it....I was about to cry out at certain lines, I seemed to know what the Guru was saying, and so, that bittersweet feeling was there,.... I feel so far from Guru jee, yet we are so close! The fun part was, I sung the whole thing on tunes just like the Mantras, I feel so light now...

I am so thankful to God for granting me with the wisdom, due to which, I had the initiative of reading Banis.....

I don't always have that in me....and so, when I do....its kinda cool....almost as if that is all I need...............

Anyways!

Take Care

Spread love....

=)

Thanks for reading!...

Gur Kirpa - Grace!

One of my Sisters' friend called,
She talked to me about meditating, about being so different, about being labeled as crazy, just because of our inclination to Spirituality....
As we were talking, I got the impression that to her, I had the answers.....the answers to how does it all feel.....
Answers to things like it is understandable to give up, when being labeled as 'crazy'....for being Spiritual

Something tells me, that We, as South Asians, come from a culture of "Following".....following the Standards set by out societies, our families...our Nation....As if we were nothing like ourselves..... things like arranged marriages, things like, I'll do this or that b/c my parents would like me to.....
I've always, from day one as a Sikh, felt that  it is too hard for us to be ourselves, and to follow our Souls.... But unless you do just that, you loose....you give up....you are nothing but a Show piece....for people to see and enjoy!

I always wanna take that chance, to feel and follow my Soul....I've failed, I've fallen down....but I've risen and walked up again..... With Guru jee's grace...

And one thing I've also learnt is that everything has a set timing, a set pattern as it all works out.... My Turban issue will also work out when it precisely has to...just like the initial Taking Amrit happened....and I do not really wanna interrupt God's Will.....
I'm trying to feel my Souls perception.....b/c when my soul Endeavors to do something, it will happen no matter what....and for that The True Guru's Grace is needed!

Grace is something you can never get, but only be given.

There's no way to earn it or deserve it or bring it about 

anymore than you can deserve the taste of raspberries 

and cream or earn good looks or bring about your own birth.

-Frederick Buechner (Wishful Thinking)

 

Last night, I was Singing to myself, as if immersed in the Shabad- Saajanarraa Maeraa Saajanarraa  

and actually was absorbed in meditation around this Shabad mentally, by just imagining Guru jee beside me...and He really was...I felt him...and when I stopped, was still somehow, humming the tune deep in somewhere....and that's when I grabbed a book and found this Quote- something reminded me of Jesus' last words- when He was being Hung on the Cross- “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34), and somehow, Guru Arjan Dev ji Maharaaj come to my mind....saying His last words on the Hot plate "Meetha Lagey tera Bhaana"......

And I knew......

I knew what my Soul was trying to tell me since soooo many days.....

Accept the Will of God Girl! Accept it!

Everything Happens with Gur Kirpa!

His Grace, His blessing....

Having this crazy and incomplete Spirituality bugs me.....it really does, But I can progress, only if I accept it as the will of God, if I embrace it all as mine.......

Anyway, Went on a huge tangent there! I was talking about this friend of my sister who called and wanted to know my experiences..... I feel that people think that I am so cool and clear about what I want.....but I am not.....hahaha! But as we were talking, there was a point where she asked me that She'd never have time to actually feel and remember God at all times.....I came to a standing, that at some point during being God's own Child...and acknowledging that He is all...He is everything we need, you- your soul finds a place, a balance- some sort of Harmony, where You are with your Boss/ friends, colleagues but your inside is still on God, hooked in His Meditation, in  singing His praise..... and that really happens...

But I wonder, how would I know? why am I so confident about all this? Have I experienced any of it?

I don't know! Maybe I have....but the whole Problem is that I've had everything Haphazardly....

That's what I think my Spirituality is- Haphazard!

Anyway....

I wanna work on this!

I have decided to do a 40 day Sadhana, I've been preparing my mind for it since a While, but due to my chronic Insomnia I fail all the time..... But this time I am determined, I'll work out a lot during the day, so that I can sleep better at night.... I'll try to give it what it takes!

At least, I'll try, the rest is in the hands of God, 

His will..... 

This reminds me of Anand Sahib, I always feel like thats the way we sould be living our lives according to  Guru Amar Daas jee.... I feel like its the 5th Bani of our Nitnem, b/c it directs us to the new day with all the things we need to know and do for the day...as if Guru jee writes a prescription for imbibing the days' grace and tapping its endless potential, never forgetting God while doing so......

Guru jee is just so beautiful! I wish I could love him better, but really I can't ever love Him enough, Can I?

=)

Take Care 

Love, light and blessings!

(even though I can't quite give any..... as far as I know!)

Wandering!

I am wandering, in the 8.4 million lives, as described in Guru Granth Sahib jee Maharaaj!...... and this is my chance to become free...., to experience my spirit and my spirituality....

I essence,

GOBIND MILAN KI EH TERI BARIAA

This is your only chance to achieve salvation (being one with God).

Salvation can be achieved only by God’s grace, which comes by righteous living and doing Simran (meditating) with love and devotion. Only human beings can do this. Therefore, being born as a human being is the only chance to achieve salvation.

I am wandering in here, in this present life.....and I am wondering everyday of this life, about what I really really want...... Sometimes I feel like I don't wanna be this way.... I don't really want to be the way I am.....but I can not clearly point out to WHAT is that in me that I don't wanna have.....

Since a few days, I've been thinking that perhaps I lost...... I lost the race of affirming and accepting my faith.... in living the life of a Sikh and in living in the way the creator made me.....or maybe just simply, my beliefs, my Sikh identity, my ideals are on sale at the hands of my mom.... I don't know.... My mind is a crazy thought factory....its really Crazy....

I realized something today. I realized that we stand for something if we really believe in it...... I could not stand for wearing a Turban full time, because I don't believe in it completely...it is my fault!...it was my fault, not my mothers narrow minded approach to life, as in her words "[our] families will spit on my face....I came abroad to show them that I could make my daughters Doctors and educate them ...make them Beauty Queens, (my mom knew I was interested in modeling at some point...) make them successful...Turban will make you look unprofessional and poorly groomed ..."

It doesn't hurt me, nor do I believe that life is all about looking the way others want you to look like, Its all crap for me..... in fact, no ones' point of view hurts me....only mine does.....no ones expectations bind me, only Guru jee's do....I know what Guru jee would expect me to do...and thats what tells me my direction....

I am at a point in life when only my CRAP can truly bother me... I do get disturbed when something happens to my loved ones, things that bother me in the real sense, are much more hurtful and much more unbearable...

I was just trying to solve my own puzzle of whether I really wanna be a Sikh or not, and whether I really am a sikh beyond the outward appearance.....Really I was thinking today, just casually, while showering....

I realized a few different things....
1) I hate being hairy, if Sikhi means you gotta be hairy then I'm a bit concerned...
2) I have achieved a state where I can relate to gurbani so well that I can't even think of looking back and thinking going against my Sikhi by getting rid of my hair!
3) Wow what an idiot I am.... how can I think like that...I am a baptized Sikh....if I am thinking that I don't like hair, If I walk back on Kes thing, then there is no reason of the rest of the 4 K's, In fact if thinking of a bad thing is equal to committing a sin, then I have already several times Gotten rid of my Sikhi by thinking of getting rid of my hair.....
4) well, I'd never be able to get rid of my hair or 5 K's b/c my conscience is so attached to my Sikhi...and my Soul is too, and just like every other time of thinking about it, I will never really do it....So man, Where do I stand as a Sikh after all.....what am I upto???? Crap! am I too silly and unworthy of understanding what I want!?!
5) [& this is the most important one]
ACTUALLY, I AM A SIKH, MY SOUL RECOGNIZES GURBANI AND RESPONDS TO IT FROM DAY ONE, then why am i still wondering what I really want..... I realized that the problem is the balance, I lack it all....I am a follower from the outside, I was faster in the outside than in the inside, I do not do my baanis and Sadhana regularly, and so I do not charge myself up for a 'Sikh day', or a 'Sikh life' for that matter, and that is where I lack, I wear all 5 k's but I don't have it in the inside..... probably thats why I've never been able to confront myself that I wanna live a Sikh life,

And I came to the conclusion that I need to build that lifestyle....that's the only thing that will change my life and put things in perspective.... I want to be a Sikh inside....and not just outside.....

This reminded me of this one concept that I learnt long long ago, .....that sometimes we are different in the inside than in the outside, and that people start to expect from you according to what they see you as from the outside, and then it is just disgusting and ridicules when they see that you lack 'all that' in the inside....


That's where I have never been able to accept my Sikhi, b/c it was more on the exterior than on the interior.....

I also notice people calling me "Guru piareo jee" or "Gurmukh" on facebook especially if they only know me on facebook, and I hate when they do that, I never respond to all that b/c my truth fills me with Disgust and hate towards myself....
AND the sad part is, I was the one that created all this... I am the one who gives them this impression....
really the word I'd use for myself there is Lame, Loser!

But then in my Personal & Professional life, I Love myself, I love to be what I am- I seem to be the happiest person ever, I seem to be cool and comfortable in everything there is.... I seem to be a Happy bird

...My Spiritual self sucks, really It constantly tells me that I aim at this place where I can never go.....but something in me tells me that I will some day get there...

Wow, Cliche` .... BUT REALLY, like I said, I know what Guru jee would like to see me doing, and what He expects from me....so I'm safe....I know why I am wandering around these thoughts ....and really, its all cool....I wanna do these mental exercises once in a while.......It helps me see where I am with respect to where I'd like to see myself...
Am I wasting my only chance??? or am I trying to find my path, without considering that I am/might be in 8.4 million births and death cycle thing.....
Sorry readers, I know I bored you big time, but like I said before, this is my Journal, not every day is colorful in real life!

Mo Ko Thaar Lae Raamaa Thaar Lae

I've been Immersed!
Immersed in the true Guru's love...hahaha!

My mind and has been deeply moved and immersed in humming this tune and singing this:

( Mo Ko Thaar Lae Raamaa Thaar Lae -Dileep Kaur)

ਮੋ ਕਉ ਤਾਰਿ ਲੇ ਰਾਮਾ ਤਾਰਿ ਲੇ ॥

mo ko thar lae rama thar lae
Carry me across, O Lord, carry me across.


ਮੈ ਅਜਾਨੁ ਜਨੁ ਤਰਿਬੇ ਨ ਜਾਨਉ ਬਾਪ ਬੀਠੁਲਾ ਬਾਹ ਦੇ ॥੧॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥
mai ajan jan tharibae n jano bap beethula bah dhae   rehao
I am ignorant, and I do not know how to swim. O my Beloved Father, please give me Your arm.  Pause

ਨਰ ਤੇ ਸੁਰ ਹੋਇ ਜਾਤ ਨਿਮਖ ਮੈ ਸਤਿਗੁਰ ਬੁਧਿ ਸਿਖਲਾਈ ॥
nar thae sur hoe jath nimakh mai sathigur budhh sikhalaee
I have been transformed from a mortal being into an angel, in an instant; the True Guru has taught me this.

ਨਰ ਤੇ ਉਪਜਿ ਸੁਰਗ ਕਉ ਜੀਤਿਓ ਸੋ ਅਵਖਧ ਮੈ ਪਾਈ ॥੧॥
nar thae oupaj surag ko jeethiou so avakhadhh mai paee
Born of human flesh, I have conquered the heavens; such is the medicine I was given.

ਜਹਾ ਜਹਾ ਧੂਅ ਨਾਰਦੁ ਟੇਕੇ ਨੈਕੁ ਟਿਕਾਵਹੁ ਮੋਹਿ ॥
jeha jeha dhhooa naradh ttaekae naik ttikavahu mohi
Please place me where You placed Dhroo and Naarad, O my Master.

ਤੇਰੇ ਨਾਮ ਅਵਿਲੰਬਿ ਬਹੁਤੁ ਜਨ ਉਧਰੇ ਨਾਮੇ ਕੀ ਨਿਜ ਮਤਿ ਏਹ ॥੨॥੩॥
thaerae nam avilanb bahuth jan oudhharae namae kee nij math eaeh
With the Support of Your Name, so many have been saved; this is Naam Dayv's understanding.



I guess because:
1) it is a soothing tune, easy to tune your conciousness into and just float in its rythm
2) well, I really don't know anything...... I really am not doing "Sikhi" well, and so I now just submit it all to God! only He can help me....... nothing is in my hands! I need His support!


It's interesting how I was talking about how my soul gets tuned into Kirtan and devotional music at times.....I guess thats what it is.... And I love the feeling ....I am contained, happy and With Guru jee, despite being in people when this happens.....



Its a cool feeling!

Also check out Ik Ardass Bhaat Keerat Kee (Guru Ram Das Rakho Sharnai) by Dleep Kaur, one of those tunes that I really easily tune into....
You might like tis one!



Anyways!

I wanna tell you guys something!

So yesterday I had a volunteer interview at a Hospital, I applied for ICU Visitor Room host and so the interviewer wanted to ask me a lot of questions to see how I'd deal with such a stressful atmosphere, and deal with things like death every other day, so to say! But guess what, we took forever, as if we were friends since 20 years or so! The interview took more than 2 hours! We talked about everything possible! really, about faith, meditation, yoga, about life in general, oh and about how I tie my head scarf thing, and why do Sikhs wear turban, and about Why I wanted to become a Nun as a child.......we talked about my catholic school, about everything actually! I guess she just loved the fact that I was so outgoing and bubbly, and so she wanted to ask me stuff she was wondering about, like she saw a woman with a turban,that looked like layers of cloth!
 I'm gonna volunteer as the welcome and way finding - front desk person in the Hospital, for 6 months and then I can work in emergency!  but that's totally cool, I knew I needed more Hospital experience before I can go into a thing like ICU in the craziest (Busy-est) hospital under Fraser Health!
But just talking to her was so cool! I think I am so chirpy and so bubbly that I often talk to people for really long, but .....

I personally do not like interviews too much! I hate to advertise and brag about all the cool work I've ever done, I did it all b/c i loved it, not so that I can market my skills for greed of fame or better work..... I guess that's why I Love volunteering so much....... but that's where people think I've earned a great skill set that I can 'Show off'

I don't really know! The one thing I loved about this interview was that it was way more personal than normal interviews are, at the end she told me that she liked my purse a lot, and I said that its super old now! (I don't know how to take complements =P ) When she asked me why I volunteer like crazy (soooo much), I said, to become more of a Sikh, a student, learning from life, as it comes! to learn to help selflessly, (I told her I lacked that Selflessness component) and we call it Seva in  Sikhism! All these things at were super personal, I could honestly say out!
I love making relationships, most of my employers, colleagues and volunteer coordinators, are my closest friends, I love being loved, and loving back, but I am not saying that b/c I wanna tell you how nice I am, but really who can live without love? Its just that making personal relationships is one thing I enjoy!


Talking of which, I've already made a personal relationship with my readers! I love reading your responses and they bring a smile on my face, I do wanna thank you all for reading my journal! Thanks a lot for all your support and love!

Love
H. Kaur!

Amrit Vela Week!

I am blessed to be living in Vancouver! There's such an awesome sangat here, and there are Events, Kirtans, Samagams and Camps going on all year round!

Like I told you yesterday that it was my the end of my first year of having been blessed with Amrit, I wanted to do something to thank God, and Guru jee, for this beautiful gift! And b/c Guru jee knows that I might not be able to do too much on my own, He blessed me with Amrit vela Week in our local Sangat!

Today is day 2 of the AV week, (I missed day 1, I slept in till super late)....anyways! I went for the day 2!
Ioften feel lovely by the end of a nice Simran and Nitnem Jaap, especially if it is done in Sangat.... but today was not one of those days...
I was feeling weak and worthless in every way! Simran as always was beautiful....but unlike my normal times, I could not feel my soul today! All through the 1 hour of Simran, my Soul felt uprooted.... I was externally enjoying the Simran, and could keep my mind in better concentration than normal, but my Soul was constantly missing something......
It is funny how I can feel my Soul's involvement.....but I really can, My Soul experiences Bairaag (sadness for being away from Lord the Master), it often makes me cry in Simran or Meditation......but my mind, and Sub-concious, drifts away...it keeps on jumping from one thing to the other like a monkey.... there was something different about todays Sadhana.... really!

Today, my soul was as if upset at me..... and my mind wanted to stick around in the Darbaar and Sing......
I clearly felt my souls' dis-satisfaction, My soul was Mad at me, it felt out of balance.... it sounded like a discordant stringed instrument....
By the time we started Nitnem Banis, I finally understood what was lacking......Something in me said that I was decieving myself for a really long time.... I had forgotten most of Jaap Sahib, which I used to almost know by heart......I instantly realized that my soul had lost touch with the eternal who kept it lubricalted and frictionless.... I realized my fault.....I knew I had been cheating on my soul for a while..... it was surviving on only Simran and Chanting.........while it once thrived on the daily Banis.....It needed them on a daily basis.... I needed them! I was merely wearing the 5 K's and not living them.....

But one thing is for sure...... I will not let this happen Again..... I am not sad.....I rather feel blessed, I'll totally rock the rest of the days of Amrit vela Week.....

Oh and tonight is my second class of Guru Granth Sahib jee Maharaaj Santhya.... I'm excited, wanna go home once I'm done my work, and then Practice on Guru jee's sainchiyan (part wise books, used for household Sehaj paaths and / or reading practice)
I'm excited!


Oh and guess what, I couldn't sleep all night yesterday (That's why I wrote a post at 1:00 am in the night, I totally didn't wanna miss the day 2 of AV Week, you see! )
In any case, my chronic Insomnia has worsened now a days....  but I hope it'll get better with Sadhana and Amrit vela, just like my breathing disorders.....I feel like a sick old lady at 20!....Hahahaha


Anyways!

Talk to you guys later!

Take Care

Guru Fateh!

My Soul dances in His Love

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh,

Hey Folks!

I thought I'd tell you a small story about why I love Guru jee so much, and why despite the fact that I cannot wrap my head around the idea that I wanna live the Sikh lifestyle, yet cannot live without it......
Wow I sound so confused...
Anyways, I'll try to explain this once more.... I have a hard time confronting that I wanna follow, but The layers of Maya I have wrapped myself into, just don't let me follow peacefully...at one point of a day without baani (I often have non-Sikh days!, where I do not get up in the morning and miss my Nitnem), I break down.. and reflect if I wanna follow or Lead.....
Makes sense!?!

Okay! so here's the thing..... I think the sooner I win over this sleeping in habbit, the sooner I will gain the determination to Life happily ever after....as a Sikh!

So here's why I still wanna stick around:

MY SOUL DANCES IN HIS LOVE!
Just as simple as it sounds, we work on our exterior body soooooo bloody much! We try and dress it perfectly, we try and groom it so much and so well....we try to keep our skins looking fresh and fragrant..... amd the list goes on....
BUT what do we do for the inside? What do we ever do for our Souls? I honestly just let my soul wrought and stink..... specially on my Non-Sikh days...... My Soul becomes needy and useless and I dont know what else..... I long for something that I can't even tell.... and this longing is not on a bodily level...it is something greater and more profound.......clearly it is my Souls' longing.

On my Sikh days, however, I am naturally happier from the inside, I feel at peace, in the inside....
I think I've always been happy on the outside, b/c I never felt comfortable showing others' my pain.... and my weakness, That's why I am writing this blog, and that too with the name H. Kaur.... b/c I am scared of being judged and made use of through my weaknesses..... Anyways, lemme not go onto a tangent here....

So, my Soul, on my Sikh days, is beautiful and graceful...it doesn't hurt inside that much.... I live every moment of my day singing devotional Kirtan in my inside, or just doing Simran! Even while working, I feel like Simran is stuck in my head and that I can breathe better and nicer.... Breathing disorders do not hurt that much on those days..... And nights are peaceful....My soul feels the simran....I almost live every breath with my beloved Guru.....that's where I see my relationship with Guru jee the best thing in this World.....

Then why do I feel so uncomfortable confronting my Love for Guru jee???

I guess I've felt this in meditation sometimes, that my inside...my Soul or something recognizes God and can relate to Him much better than me, as a person of flesh and bones.... I'll be in meditation and I feel like I belong to it all, and I feel like I have faith in me....but when I am just a normal person I lack that feeling.....
I just need to get the work on my shoulders done and so on, I just probably need to rule my world at that time...just to prove myself the best and the most efficient at work and in school....and stuff like that!

Anyways...
Its really late I should go get some sleep now....

I'll try and write more later!
Take Care!

Guru Fateh!