I essence,
GOBIND MILAN KI EH TERI BARIAA
This is your only chance to achieve salvation (being one with God).
Salvation can be achieved only by God’s grace, which comes by righteous living and doing Simran (meditating) with love and devotion. Only human beings can do this. Therefore, being born as a human being is the only chance to achieve salvation.
I am wandering in here, in this present life.....and I am wondering everyday of this life, about what I really really want...... Sometimes I feel like I don't wanna be this way.... I don't really want to be the way I am.....but I can not clearly point out to WHAT is that in me that I don't wanna have.....
Since a few days, I've been thinking that perhaps I lost...... I lost the race of affirming and accepting my faith.... in living the life of a Sikh and in living in the way the creator made me.....or maybe just simply, my beliefs, my Sikh identity, my ideals are on sale at the hands of my mom.... I don't know.... My mind is a crazy thought factory....its really Crazy....
I realized something today. I realized that we stand for something if we really believe in it...... I could not stand for wearing a Turban full time, because I don't believe in it completely...it is my fault!...it was my fault, not my mothers narrow minded approach to life, as in her words "[our] families will spit on my face....I came abroad to show them that I could make my daughters Doctors and educate them ...make them Beauty Queens, (my mom knew I was interested in modeling at some point...) make them successful...Turban will make you look unprofessional and poorly groomed ..."
It doesn't hurt me, nor do I believe that life is all about looking the way others want you to look like, Its all crap for me..... in fact, no ones' point of view hurts me....only mine does.....no ones expectations bind me, only Guru jee's do....I know what Guru jee would expect me to do...and thats what tells me my direction....
I am at a point in life when only my CRAP can truly bother me... I do get disturbed when something happens to my loved ones, things that bother me in the real sense, are much more hurtful and much more unbearable...
I was just trying to solve my own puzzle of whether I really wanna be a Sikh or not, and whether I really am a sikh beyond the outward appearance.....Really I was thinking today, just casually, while showering....
I realized a few different things....
1) I hate being hairy, if Sikhi means you gotta be hairy then I'm a bit concerned...
2) I have achieved a state where I can relate to gurbani so well that I can't even think of looking back and thinking going against my Sikhi by getting rid of my hair!
3) Wow what an idiot I am.... how can I think like that...I am a baptized Sikh....if I am thinking that I don't like hair, If I walk back on Kes thing, then there is no reason of the rest of the 4 K's, In fact if thinking of a bad thing is equal to committing a sin, then I have already several times Gotten rid of my Sikhi by thinking of getting rid of my hair.....
4) well, I'd never be able to get rid of my hair or 5 K's b/c my conscience is so attached to my Sikhi...and my Soul is too, and just like every other time of thinking about it, I will never really do it....So man, Where do I stand as a Sikh after all.....what am I upto???? Crap! am I too silly and unworthy of understanding what I want!?!
5) [& this is the most important one]
ACTUALLY, I AM A SIKH, MY SOUL RECOGNIZES GURBANI AND RESPONDS TO IT FROM DAY ONE, then why am i still wondering what I really want..... I realized that the problem is the balance, I lack it all....I am a follower from the outside, I was faster in the outside than in the inside, I do not do my baanis and Sadhana regularly, and so I do not charge myself up for a 'Sikh day', or a 'Sikh life' for that matter, and that is where I lack, I wear all 5 k's but I don't have it in the inside..... probably thats why I've never been able to confront myself that I wanna live a Sikh life,
And I came to the conclusion that I need to build that lifestyle....that's the only thing that will change my life and put things in perspective.... I want to be a Sikh inside....and not just outside.....
This reminded me of this one concept that I learnt long long ago, .....that sometimes we are different in the inside than in the outside, and that people start to expect from you according to what they see you as from the outside, and then it is just disgusting and ridicules when they see that you lack 'all that' in the inside....
That's where I have never been able to accept my Sikhi, b/c it was more on the exterior than on the interior.....
I also notice people calling me "Guru piareo jee" or "Gurmukh" on facebook especially if they only know me on facebook, and I hate when they do that, I never respond to all that b/c my truth fills me with Disgust and hate towards myself....
AND the sad part is, I was the one that created all this... I am the one who gives them this impression....
really the word I'd use for myself there is Lame, Loser!
But then in my Personal & Professional life, I Love myself, I love to be what I am- I seem to be the happiest person ever, I seem to be cool and comfortable in everything there is.... I seem to be a Happy bird
...My Spiritual self sucks, really It constantly tells me that I aim at this place where I can never go.....but something in me tells me that I will some day get there...
Wow, Cliche` .... BUT REALLY, like I said, I know what Guru jee would like to see me doing, and what He expects from me....so I'm safe....I know why I am wandering around these thoughts ....and really, its all cool....I wanna do these mental exercises once in a while.......It helps me see where I am with respect to where I'd like to see myself...
Am I wasting my only chance??? or am I trying to find my path, without considering that I am/might be in 8.4 million births and death cycle thing.....
Sorry readers, I know I bored you big time, but like I said before, this is my Journal, not every day is colorful in real life!
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