I love guru ji, but I too have my highs & lows.
For the last little while, I have experienced both & I want to journal the miracles in these moments!
I have been blown away and stomped all over by Kaam, Krodh, Lobh Moh, Ahankaar- I knew I always was a Sloth and had bad qualities and practices like excessive Gluttony (which is Kaam in itself) ! I am a real shopaholic, eating, wanting, liking, travelling, consuming more than I should! Krodh has also been one- off & on, but quite destructive when on. Ego is always the biggest one for me. However, I still consider myself quite sober, compared to who and what I was when Guru Ji was not in my life, which is good, but...
My encounter with Kaam, was once again in, what I call 'thought crime'. It was something different- something internal, trying to corrupt my mind, thoughts, besides the gluttony aspect of Kaam. Interesting, b/c those were the kind of thoughts I would have been executing if I wasn't trying to discipline myself on this path- another learning experience indeed!
So that was the low, but Guru ji loves me too dearly to leave me in a scary state of mind and to let me burn in guilt! He really does, Guru ji has His ways. The moment I start thinking that I am not fit for aiming at His Charan Kamal, He gets me out of the 'mental constipation'and puts me in 'mental diarrhea' LOL. *If you have been reading my journey for long enough, you might remember these terms- I call the state of mind when you are sick of toxic thoughts plugging in your mind as mental constipation; and release of toxic thoughts via meditation or Naam Simran as mental diarrhea. And then when you experience that bliss followed by "mental diarrhea kind of Simran" (a state of mind when you are making the effort the flush out the toxicity and instability via initial stages of Simran) is the stage where the Simran actually starts to give to the feeling of bliss, mind starts to find its home and flows freely with the chanting the Simran- then you often have this brief stage where you are in so much bliss that your dreams start to come true. Occasionally, you feel your head resting on someone's (I hope Guru Ji's) Charan Kamal or some visions appear in front of your eyes and you know that you are reconnected- you are a part of the divine.
If you know what I am talking about, Guru ji really has His ways. Doesn't He?
Well so the High was when for some reason, my Insomnia got triggered again (I Bet-ya Guru ji did that on purpose). I don't have a way to deal with sleeplessness other than meditating all night, or being the workaholic I am at night as well- for which if you know how insomnia works (you are tired but just can't fall asleep even after trying for hours) I was too tired to even think of doing some work. Hence Meditation (buddy, thats why I say Guru Ji is one tricky attention-seeking dude LOL- He is just overflowing with love! If I wouldn't give Him that attention, I'd only be doing evil to myself!).
Well, I'm writing this b/c a friend asked me, How do I meditate- no Secret buddy, and I'm no Yogi, I just wanna fall for Guru jee and never get up again LOL! Here's what I usually do:
I lay in bed, nice and comfee, and I do an ardaas I tell Guru ji that I love Him and that I am wasting my life here, I ask Him to please bless me with the love and thirst for his Charan Kamal. Then I either have some meditative tune or Simran going on my cell phone- I've also tried random Simran from Sikhnet Radio on my cell phone (works very well), so basically any Simran- or just chanting Waheguru on your own, and focusing on the Simran. Rest of the process is kind of automatic, I do not initiate anything- I just focus on the Simran- whether I am chanting or listening to a pre-recorded chant artist or Kirtanee. On focusing perfectly, long enough, your breath starts to slow down, become rhythmic and you start to chant with the rhythm of your breath. Just be open to miracles and believe in Guru ji with a whole hearted faith in that know that He loves you and will show you His love~ Don't think about random things this is the time to live with Guru ji in every breath. Interestingly, what follows if you're not too uptight about your thoughts- and just let your mind flow with the focus on Simran, is a real miracle. I'm sure it is very personal for most people, for me as well, bits and pieces of it I'm kind of paranoid to share, but I will not leave the story in the middle so here's some things I've experienced.
*Stability in Simran and rhythmic breathing. Empty mind, no influx of thoughts. Peaceful experience- I feel my head muscles relax, the top of my head gets really warm sometimes. Whether the eyes are open or closed, theres no vision of anything but this feeling of constant bliss.
*sometimes, it's different in that I feel satisfied- very satisfied with whatever it was that was bugging me at the first place (during the mental constipation stage). A few days ago in meditation, I felt a gush of satisfaction for whatever little of my spiritual practice I had done- (I had missed my Nitnem, only did Kirtan Sohila at night =( ) I felt thankful for that one bani I had read- new experience for me, b/c I am never satisfied with my spiritual practice =P
*At other times you feel like you are in a certain place, or are doing a certain specific thing. Example: a few days ago, I felt like I was in Sachkhand Sri Harmandir Sahib (that has happened before as well & I have shared that story on this blog a while ago), I was at a specific spot in the Parikarma of the Gurudwara Sahib complex- as a child, when I visited the Harmandir Sahib, I actually remember that this was my favorite spot in the Parikarma!
about 2 days ago, in meditation I felt something really special, I was breathing rhythmically on the tune of a recorded Waheguru Simran and I felt my head and face relax, I was dipped in bliss. If I am recalling this correctly, I started feeling that I was swinging on a swing, wearing a long white skirt and my hair was open, & were swinging in the air. I felt Simran in my breath, as if I was swinging in the rhythm of the Simran as well. Then after a while of thoroughly enjoying the swing I was as if transformed into a white bird, I flew for a long while, I flew all over the sky, again in the rhythm of the Simran I flew as if I was looking for something... and then I flew around the Sachkhand Sri Harmandir Sahib, and sat on a tree, then I jumped into the Amrit Sarovar and (this might sound corny) was transformed into a fish, I swam all over the sarovar. But the entire time I felt that I was submerged in Amrit- and that I could swim in the Amrit Sarovar forever, and live my Amrit. Funny thing is, I was feeling before meditating that I didn't deserve Amrit and that I am still struggling to live the Amrit that Guru Ji blessed me with- which I am, for sure... but the feeling of being in the Sarovar full of Amrit and being submerged Amrit for one entire night was amazingly blissful and interesting to recollect!
I guess I love swings and fishes and white skirts LOL!
Thank You for being a part of my journey. Thank You for reading my Journal, I probably don't have much to share with you or inspire you with, but I surely love when I hear people saying that they like my blogs!
I pray however, that this doesn't ever become a source of Ego for me. I just mean to share what I have. I love my story, you know! or should I say the story of Guru ji's love =) yeah, I love the story of Guru Ji and his ways of making me realize that He loves me! And I hope that one day I can claim that I love Guru ji as well!
Wow -I'm such a hopeless Romantic! I love Guru ji, but can't claim (for real) that I do, until I see myself sacrificing everything for His beautiful, blissful Charan Sharan!
I pray that we all seek Guru Ji's Charan Kamal and please our beloved lord on our own life journeys sooner or later!
Love and Light!
~Smile and let the world wonder why!
Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Wahgueru Ji Ki Fateh!