Monday, May 30, 2011

~A Milestone~

May 31, 2009... Exactly 2 years ago, I was blessed with Amrit... It was funny how this all happened. I was totally unprepared.... I just wanted to 'become' a Sikh... 
Probably, I was thinking that I am ingesting a magic pill that will guarantee faith, happiness and bliss in my life.... Of course I was keen.... my parents had gone to Whistler for the weekend. But they knew I was going to....just didn't know if I was serious! 
Interestingly, this morning, I was showering, and suddenly I remembered the Vaisakhi of 2009. We were going to the Parade, and I was gonna wear a Suit, so that morning I shaved my body, straightened my hair, and dolled up nice n proper, so I'd look nice and feminine in my suit. LOL. And then there was this same day, exactly 2 years ago, when I gave up my intuitions of nice n girly, pretty, etc. Some miracle won over my crazy perceptions and future plans- Purple hair, full body tattoos, semi-mohawk, all those things that I still love (on others, obviously); but not more than Guru Ji and His Hukam!
.....And in this path, in this lifestyle, I found the same passion, the same personality, and the same strength of character, that I found in Purple haired, semi Mohawk: It is the beauty, the integrity of our Dastaars/ headgears/Patkey.... the real strength of our lifestlyes- our Rehits- our 5 Kakkars, the love for Guru Ji and the passion to do anything for that Love, that had me in... His Hukam meant more than anything humanly possible!
I realized that "I did not change....I just found myself!"
And on this path, I struggled endlessly... I was like a newly hatched birdie, flapped my wings real hard, rose and then fell off again, repeatedly, day after day.... But Now that I feel that I am a bit stable (despite falling every now and then), I've had crazy amount of Kirpa. All I ask for now, is aas (longing), pyaas (thirsty) & preeety (love) for Guru Ji's charan Kamal; all those wants and 'needs' have started to get excluded from my daily Ardaas (prayers): Med School, family, Prince Charming, supportive friends, luxurious house.... everything. I just want Guru Ji- the dirt on His Charan Kamal! I really only need Him to be able to live...
Today is a day to reflect... it is a day to count my blessings.... a day to call the dawn of Vaisakhi in my life..... a Day to embrace all beings as the light of my Pita Ji Maharaaj- Sri Nanak Guru Gobind Singh Ji Maharaaj & my Khasam Sri Akaal Purakh Ji maharaaj..... A day to sacrifice all I've got for Him who gave it to me at the first place...... a day to humbly bow unto the Charan Kamal of Sri Akaal Purakh Ji Maharaaj and never raise my head in Ego...... A day to realize that I am a follower, not a is time to be grateful & actually become Guru Ji's daughter- the Khalsa Royalty!....
And above all, a day of complete Surrender..... I am sick of falling, GurKirpa will not just happen to me, without Struggling; but as long as my head faces my Guru, it's all good! 
"I can't brag about my love for God because I fail Him daily,
but I can brag about His love for me, because it never fails"

Dhan Dhan Sri Guru Nanak Dev Ji maharaaj
Dhan Dhan Sri Guru Gobind Singh Ji maharaaj
Dhan Dhan Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji maharaaj- 
Sri Aad Darbar Ji, Sri Dasam Darbaar Ji, Sri SarsbhLoh Darbaar Ji!!!

Love and Light =)
Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji ki Fateh!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

"He's got our back, He's got it!"

Over the past 6 months or so, my faith in Guru Ji's Charan Kamal,  has solidified, I’ve hopefully, broken into the surface… I’ve been training my mind to deal with Anxiety in a different way. I have a bit of a panic issue- I also get very scared of 'the unknown'… 
I’ve trained my mind to say “He’s got my back”….”Kiddo, He’ll handle it”…”Shush! He has got it…”. Interestingly, I was put to test today…..
Firstly, Had a great morning Simran, followed by Nitnem in an Amrit Vela Event in our Sangat (What a blessing!). I was actually deeply in a meditative state of mind today, which is always refreshing & hard to find all the time. Oh AND Being able to do Chaur Sahib seva is a such a blessing! Its such a perfect excuse to go up to guru ji and meditate unto Him and His physical saroop, if you are someone who cannot quite read The Gurbani, I feel this is an anchoring experience (My first meditative connection with Guru Ji was via Chaur Sahib Seva). I feel one with Guru Ji and His Sangat if I can meditate unto His Charan Kamal in the Darbaar, which has only happened the few times that I have been blessed with this seva. [Reminds me, one of my brother friends initially used to think that I stole that seva from everyone- I guess they called me Chaur-whore or something- I'd be offended if they said that on my face..but oh well! Something I lol about now!] 
… While I had the chance this morning, I had a teary moment when I felt like my Pita Ji Maharaaj held me by the hand and taught me how to walk- He walked me into this Path, He walked me into His Darbaar ! He walked me into His Sharan, … & I know that He shall never let go of me…It is such a sweet feeling a rare blessing- feeling the Guru in His aasan! I’ve had this chance a few times- and If I am really in the spirit of it- I’ve meditated and felt the most blissful Human Experience!
Should I tell you something Interesting ? I’ve heard someone say that when Guru Ji is in the Darbaar unattended, there’s always Shaheedi Faujaa(n) / Shaheed Singhs Doing Chaur Sahib Seva! Cool Isn’t it?  well, back to the story:
Then I got back home and had a bit of a chat with my mom about our business & some official stuff. Then I cleaned my room [while listening to Sukhmani Sahib, Asa Ki Vaar and various banis], after last semester (3 months), it was a real mess (w/ dirt allergies told me it needed a thorough cleaning LOL)
Then, I have at least 5 different projects (work & school) due tomorrow or the day after + I had my hospital volunteer shift tonight. I was panicking- and told myself out loud, “He’s got it”.
Then, Gosh! Dad called and I was told to stay at home, Mom had an accident and he got a call, but no one knows where she is, they’ve taken her to some hospital…
So for a while, I tried to keep myself together, but ‘fear of the unknown’ surrounded me and I had all sorts of scary thoughts- listened to Sukhmani Sahib (& cried a bit)- told myself, “He has got our back”.
Me and dee (my older sister) called dad, found out that they found mom, she’s in some hospital in Downtown, and she has injuries….. but my dad didn’t tell much more… 
(Gur Kirpa Thank you Guru Ji!!!)
We are both so scared, but I know that Guru Ji has our back…. The real challenge though is something I’ve never confided in ANYONE- we are not a very ‘super’ family. We are quite distorted on our concepts of Love- all of us, including my parents and my younger brother- we’re like a unit, in need but a bit of a random mess at other times- struggling for power, money and independence on our own accords. (Like for example, me & my brother revolt & rebel for being able to practice Sikhi, I still fight for Dastaar… I am also financially independent for the most part- partly b/c I don’t want to bother them since we are kinda establishing ourselves here & partly b/c I am a rebel, my mom & dad are love birds most of the time and argue as if they don’t even care about each other sometimes…) 
This is the first time that we are alone (without our extended families, relatives, grandparents) in another country, that we have a bigger than usual situation to face together as a family- we’ve had other things, (since we moved to Canada) issues like moving, buying a house, getting a business started, illnesses, etc, but not something scary & sudden like this. At this point I don’t know what exactly is going on, but I know that my daddy loves my mommy and that we all love them both… But through this challenge, we shall walk out in grace together, as one happy family.
I am scared…. But I know “He’s Got it!”
I just wish deep inside that my granny was here- but oh well Guru ji’s here, and He is still gonna keep us all together!
A part of the day was very uncanny- as a child I had a phobia around loosing my loved ones. I had terrible dreams. I’ve long recovered from that- but I was so scared that this fear came back at me- and now that I have Guru Ji in my life, it was different- Chaupai Sahib & Sukhmani Sahib, instead of crying and panicking myself all the more to terror.
Thats why I feel, He’s got our back.

*~* UPDATE:  Ok so now my mother is back home, she's fine, just a little weak, basically the airbags saved her, but also hit her Sternum very hard. And It is all Guru Ji's protection, the car was damaged quite a bit, but
Dhan Dhan Guru Nanak Dev Ji Maharaaj! He saved my sweetheart =)

Thanks for Reading!
Love and Light!

Vaheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Vahgeuru Ji Ki Fateh =)

*PS. I've been listening to this track (by Snatam Kaur) while doing Home work. It's miraculously soul melting, heart touching & Awesome. Check it out!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Meditating via Simran

I love guru ji, but I too have my highs & lows.
For the last little while, I have experienced both & I want to journal the miracles in these moments!

I have been blown away and stomped all over by Kaam, Krodh, Lobh Moh, Ahankaar- I knew I always was a Sloth and had bad qualities and practices like excessive Gluttony (which is Kaam in itself) ! I am a real shopaholic, eating, wanting, liking, travelling, consuming more than I should! Krodh has also been one- off & on, but quite destructive when on. Ego is always the biggest one for me. However, I still consider myself quite sober, compared to who and what I was when Guru Ji was not in my life, which is good, but...
My encounter with Kaam, was once again in, what I call 'thought crime'. It was something different- something internal, trying to corrupt my mind, thoughts, besides the gluttony aspect of Kaam. Interesting, b/c those were the kind of thoughts I would have been executing if I wasn't trying to discipline myself on this path- another learning experience indeed!

So that was the low, but Guru ji loves me too dearly to leave me in a scary state of mind and to let me burn in guilt! He really does, Guru ji has His ways. The moment I start thinking that I am not fit for aiming at His Charan Kamal, He gets me out of the 'mental constipation'and puts me in 'mental diarrhea' LOL. *If you have been reading my journey for long enough, you might remember these terms- I call the state of mind when you are sick of toxic thoughts plugging in your mind as mental constipation; and release of toxic thoughts via meditation or Naam Simran as mental diarrhea. And then when you experience that bliss followed by "mental diarrhea kind of Simran" (a state of mind when you are making the effort the flush out the toxicity and instability via initial stages of Simran) is the stage where the Simran actually starts to give to the feeling of bliss, mind starts to find its home and flows freely with the chanting the Simran- then you often have this brief stage where you are in so much bliss that your dreams start to come true. Occasionally, you feel your head resting on someone's (I hope Guru Ji's) Charan Kamal or some visions appear in front of your eyes and you know that you are reconnected- you are a part of the divine.
If you know what I am talking about, Guru ji really has His ways. Doesn't He?

Well so the High was when for some reason, my Insomnia got triggered again (I Bet-ya Guru ji did that on purpose). I don't have a way to deal with sleeplessness other than meditating all night, or being the workaholic I am at night as well- for which if you know how insomnia works (you are tired but just can't fall asleep even after trying for hours) I was too tired to even think of doing some work. Hence Meditation (buddy, thats why I say Guru Ji is one tricky attention-seeking dude LOL- He is just overflowing with love! If I wouldn't give Him that attention, I'd only be doing evil to myself!).

Well, I'm writing this b/c a friend asked me, How do I meditate- no Secret buddy, and I'm no Yogi, I just wanna fall for Guru jee and never get up again LOL! Here's what I usually do:
I lay in bed, nice and comfee, and I do an ardaas I tell Guru ji that I love Him and that I am wasting my life here, I ask Him to please bless me with the love and thirst for his Charan Kamal. Then I either have some meditative tune or Simran going on my cell phone- I've also tried random Simran from Sikhnet Radio on my cell phone (works very well), so basically any Simran- or just chanting Waheguru on your own, and focusing on the Simran. Rest of the process is kind of automatic, I do not initiate anything- I just focus on the Simran- whether I am chanting or listening to a pre-recorded chant artist or Kirtanee. On focusing perfectly, long enough, your breath starts to slow down, become rhythmic and you start to chant with the rhythm of your breath. Just be open to miracles and believe in Guru ji with a whole hearted faith in that know that He loves you and will show you His love~ Don't think about random things this is the time to live with Guru ji in every breath. Interestingly, what follows if you're not too uptight about your thoughts- and just let your mind flow with the focus on Simran, is a real miracle. I'm sure it is very personal for most people, for me as well, bits and pieces of it I'm kind of paranoid to share, but I will not leave the story in the middle so here's some things I've experienced.
*Stability in Simran and rhythmic breathing. Empty mind, no influx of thoughts. Peaceful experience- I feel my head muscles relax, the top of my head gets really warm sometimes. Whether the eyes are open or closed, theres no vision of anything but this feeling of constant bliss.
*sometimes, it's different in that I feel satisfied- very satisfied with whatever it was that was bugging me at the first place (during the mental constipation stage). A few days ago in meditation, I felt a gush of satisfaction for whatever little of my spiritual practice I had done- (I had missed my Nitnem, only did Kirtan Sohila at night =( ) I felt thankful for that one bani I had read- new experience for me, b/c I am never satisfied with my spiritual practice =P
*At other times you feel like you are in a certain place, or are doing a certain specific thing. Example: a few days ago, I felt like I was in Sachkhand Sri Harmandir Sahib (that has happened before as well & I have shared that story on this blog a while ago), I was at a specific spot in the Parikarma of the Gurudwara Sahib complex- as a child, when I visited the Harmandir Sahib, I actually remember that this was my favorite spot in the Parikarma!
about 2 days ago, in meditation I felt something really special, I was breathing rhythmically on the tune of a recorded Waheguru Simran and I felt my head and face relax, I was dipped in bliss. If I am recalling this correctly, I started feeling that I was swinging on a swing, wearing a long white skirt and my hair was open, & were swinging in the air. I felt Simran in my breath, as if I was swinging in the rhythm of the Simran as well. Then after a while of thoroughly enjoying the swing I was as if transformed into a white bird, I flew for a long while, I flew all over the sky, again in the rhythm of the Simran I flew as if I was looking for something... and then I flew around the Sachkhand Sri Harmandir Sahib, and sat on a tree, then I jumped into the Amrit Sarovar and (this might sound corny) was transformed into a fish, I swam all over the sarovar. But the entire time I felt that I was submerged in Amrit- and that I could swim in the Amrit Sarovar forever, and live my Amrit. Funny thing is, I was feeling before meditating that I didn't deserve Amrit and that I am still struggling to live the Amrit that Guru Ji blessed me with- which I am, for sure... but the feeling of being in the Sarovar full of Amrit and being submerged Amrit for one entire night was amazingly blissful and interesting to recollect!

I guess I love swings and fishes and white skirts LOL!

Thank You for being a part of my journey. Thank You for reading my Journal, I probably don't have much to share with you or inspire you with, but I surely love when I hear people saying that they like my blogs!
I pray however, that this doesn't ever become a source of Ego for me. I just mean to share what I have. I love my story, you know! or should I say the story of Guru ji's love =) yeah, I love the story of Guru Ji and his ways of making me realize that He loves me! And I hope that one day I can claim that I love Guru ji as well!
Wow -I'm such a hopeless Romantic! I love Guru ji, but can't claim (for real) that I do, until I see myself sacrificing everything for His beautiful, blissful Charan Sharan!
I pray that we all seek Guru Ji's Charan Kamal and please our beloved lord on our own life journeys sooner or later!

Love and Light!

~Smile and let the world wonder why!

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Wahgueru Ji Ki Fateh!