Tuesday, July 10, 2012

comPASSIONate observance

Hello y'all!
Vaheguru Jio<3

Its a nice summer night, after an amazingly bright day =)
I wanna write today, a super casual journal, while swimming in the ocean of my own head =)

Well, just this moment, a thought came swimming towards me, as I float, letting the water alone bear all my weight. I feel nothing but free... sooouper free. with nothing weighing me down, not even the weight of my own body. [sidenote: literally, when I go for a swim, I can float for hours, I love how it makes me feel]

The thought came swimming by, the thought of how compassion changes lives. How it makes our lives float with nothing weighing us down. How our compassionate selves free us from ourselves, from our egos, anger, worries, fears and all the things that result therefrom.
I've been exercising this version of mindfulness for the last month or so: I carefully notice everything I feel or think. I carefully hear and attempt to understand my own thoughts, why they arose, what is my real reason behind the thought that is arising within me.
 I must say, for the first day or 2 I started to judge myself, evaluate myself too harshly & think that I have horrible thoughts and that if everyone could hear my thoughts no one would wanna be around me... But then I had a realization that all my 'bad' thoughts arise with good/ decent counterparts. Either I am thinking something bad with a good intention or the bad thought follows a thought of opposition leading to a decent outcome. I wouldn't say that I am always good, but when I looked at myself with a little compassion, I was able to work though things better.
And also, this exercise helped me make some changes that I didn't even realize until a close friend pointed it out. I was behaving differently, I was forgiving myself & others and letting go of the biggest grievances I have ever had with anyone; I was hugging and loving more, much more...(especially my mother- those who've been reading my ramblings for long enough, know why that is special & significant); I was more uninhibited & spontaneous (contrary to what you would think); I was communicating, rather than fighting & shutting myself off to any negativity, I was actually embracing it and trying actively to get something useful from it... But in my head, all I was doing was observing my thoughts! LOL. But my conclusion to this is that our thoughts make us who we are- if we actually know what we're thinking we might be able to adjust our thinking & align it closer to who we are & who we wanna become.
This was an amazing experience, but it was hardly possible without being compassionate towards myself & towards others.
I found so much passion for Life within the heart of compassion. And this was significant for me because just before commencing this exercise, I'd been thinking too much along the lines of self-loathing in the spiritual sense, I'd think I am weak spiritually- or that 'Oh merging back with my Khasam Akaal Purakh Vaheguru is way too ambitious of me, with the free-bird indisciplined social butterfly I am..'; 'I'm such a loser for not thinking of Guru Ji all night' and self-negating thoughts like that, and just not being able to love people once they dismiss my love for thousands of time... Now, I'm trying, I try and love people who absolutely cannot stand me, because when I observe that hateful thought arising, I automatically tell myself, "Simran! Vaheguru bol" ("Simran[my name BTW], say Vaheguru"), and I immediately look in the mirror of my soul and see how 'This is so not me!', 'How can I call that person a B*** in my thoughts, when I wouldn't ever say that through my mouth? How dare I?'...'Am I not a B*** for thinking this way?"....
It's so interesting =) and it's phenomenal how this whole thing makes you change your course of action that follows. Just "Vaheguru Bol", [or whatever your self-realization/ self-healing phrase is], because my thoughts disgust me. "Vahgeuru bol" because I don't allow myself to think that a person is horrible just because at this point they're not behaving right- How about me? Why am I referring to them as a B***, when if they did the same exact thing I'd be so mad!?!
 Oh well,  and I cam across this Quote just a half an hour back, It's just so amazing:
Picture yourself when you were five. in fact, dig out a photo of little you at that time and tape it to your mirror. How would you treat her, love her, feed her? How would you nurture her if you were the mother of little you? I bet you would protect her fiercely while giving her space to spread her itty-bitty wings. she’d get naps, healthy food, imagination time, and adventures into the wild. If playground bullies hurt her feelings, you’d hug her tears away and give her perspective. When tantrums or meltdowns turned her into a poltergeist, you’d demand a loving time-out in the naughty chair. From this day forward I want you to extend that same compassion to your adult self.- Kris Carr
All I wanna say now, before I go to bed is that... We are all broken; we all fall short of His glory. Your mistakes are no worse than mine or anyone else’s. You are forgiven. You are loved.
Compassion is the source of all passion, isn't it? so my title tonight is "comPASSIONate observance", might not sell too well... but Oh well, I don't even care about that, so nothing to worry =) 
Compassion  is like floating, it gives you an infinite amount of freedom =) It takes takes away so much weight off of you .Perhaps it helps you let go of so much you don't need! we don't need grievances or hate or feeling unsatisfied or undesired or any of that, which we use against those who make us feel that way at the first place, usually without intending to! Compassion is big! I realized it just now =)

BTW! I have to tell you all that I'm learning music, isn't that sooooouper? It's exciting beyond belief, every time I play a new melody  I hope to get to raags soon =)  I'm learning to play an esraaj, and I wanna play Kirtan on it of course, with Guru's grace =)  [I cannot wait to sing for my Suhaag My khasam my maalik Sri Akaal Purakh Vaheguru, I just can't wait to be at Guru Granth Sahib Ji Maharaaj's Charan Kamal, singing His praises/ love songs, just for Him.] Also, my Organic Chemistry Final exam is this week so I'm a bit worried, but Oh well Vahgeuru <3 ! 

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh <3
*Love & Light <3 *Hugs & Prayers*