Thursday, July 29, 2010


I my Santhya class this week, we were as always, learning to read the Gurbani, and at some point, we talked about some verses which said that God is [almost] unattainable, we all know that God is formless and cannot be held by our Indries (Senses of touch/ smell , etc.). And then out instructor told us that as some point we'll read in the Guru Granth Sahib ji, it says that the only way to touch God with our senses is through Gurbani and the Gurumantar...  I think I love reading Guru ji...I love them! they say things that are true but that I would have never thought of until this Knowledge dawned upon me through the Guru...

I took so many pictures that I wanna share so bad, but I can upload another set of photos on my flickr only after August 1....I can't wait to put them up!

In my Local Sangat, there's so many events, camps, Kirtans that go on...I always wanna go to most of them, but generally things don't either work out with my schedule or something comes up, blocking me from going and getting inspired... I regret that sometimes- I wish I was a little younger when I came into Sikhi, b/c then I wouldn't have all these things and jobs to deal with. But then again, I strongly believe that everything happens the way it does b/c of God's will, and so if I can't make it to something I feel is super important... It probably is b/c God wants me to deal with other thing at this point of time and things will work out when Precisely God would want them to!

I was reading something I totally wanna share ...So here it goes:

"Happiness lies in wait; it comes upon suddenly,
like a midnight thief at a turn up in the street,
or in the midst of a dream, because a ray of
light, a strain of music, a face, or a gesture has
overcome the despair of living."
-Hector Bianciotti

Take Care
God bless you all!
Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I was reading something last night, as I was cleaning up my book Shelf, where I have collected different Scriptures that I've ever gotten a chance to buy...and it made me think... I thought I'd share a small little Excerpt:
"We often approach God's guidance and laws as though He were giving us a list of things we should do to make Him happy. But God doesn't need our help to be happy. God is offering us His help so that we can be happy. When God commands us to " the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind...."(MT 22:37). He is not telling us that He needs us to love Him in order for Him to be happy with us. He is telling us that we need to love what is  good in the universe so that we can live happy lives."
This was interesting, because I've been as you know building up this guilt inside of me for doing What I love the most (Sikh Lifestyle - banis, vegitarianism and just things like fighting desires and Ego oh and the BIG one for me- Laziness...) kinda wrong and I always tend to get caught up in becoming a perfectionist which is totally unaccomplished! I am starting to realize that all I need to focus on is my love for the Guru...who, for me is already the most Blissful and important relationship I can ever have!

Wanna know something funny......
K, so, I have a friend who suddenly one day found out that I wear a Kirpan, generally, Canada and Canadians are pretty fine with it, and with any articles of Faith for that matter.... but he kinda stopped talking to me, and I was, until today thinking that this is not so much of a 'friendship breakup' thing, but today, as I walked into the room he was in, I noticed him looking down my shirt, as if he was trying to notice the Kirpan (or maybe something else, you never know!) and he didn't really talk to me too much today either..... but I think that this is purely because we were never too close as friends anyway, and even if we were, maybe he needs some more time to accept and understand that it is not a weapon... or my other hypothesis to this is that Maybe I should leave my Kirpan loose and not tuck it under my shirt in a way that most people wouldn't easily notice it... so that people understand that It means so much different to me that what it might look like ("Dagger", which it really is not at least for me!) Also, when he noticed that I wear it, I was not comfortable enough to let him call a dagger and so I did not explain him my reasons correctly at all.....but at the end of the day how does it really matter.... If the Guru wants and if I am blessed enough, it'll always be on me, as a part of my body!
Plus, I love My Guru and would follow His commands as far as I can, It might take some might be a bit uncomfortable for some people, but that is who I am....Human body + 5 Kakkars + Love for the Guru ... as in - A human body with the Light (Jot - as Guru ji says in Anand Sahib!) of God!!!
If it takes time, I'll let it take as much as it wants..... I'm just a toddler on this path.... One day, I'll start walking and then running... whether it is now or in a long time... 

Love and Light!
Guru Fateh!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

I want the Guru to embrace me.......
I wanna hug Him tight.... But where is He?
OMG! Actually, as a kid, I was one of those lil ones who loved to be alone in her room.... I'd play with my barbies and dress them up, dress their hair all day long.... I had a whole bunch of them....I just loved collecting the lil girlies!
So yeah, I'd stay in my room, all alone, and a big part of my concept of affection was what I entrusted upon them...It's funny, because I still remember...I used to sit alone sometimes and think that if God really existed He'd be with me each moment and If I try hard enough , He'd appear to me and prove His love for me.... But then at times when I had some reason to cry/ feel Lonely inside, I'm wonder if God really was there for me and that will he ever apopear and comfort me for "real", I always thought God had to be Physical to be true... But I still wanna see Him sometimes and want Him to come and support me when I am alone on this path... at my tortoise pace.

I really want a Hand God... and I know that only your Hand is strong enough to Support me, and to pull me out of this horrifying Fire of temptation, Fear, Lust, and the Super Anger that dwells in my heart... Please Please Gimme your Hand, Gimme your Love to Grab onto.... Gimme a Hug!

Oh well, Had a hectic week, Sorry I didn't write a post all this week.... but The series of events happened Like my Birthday, the surprise cool celebrations by my friends, my Family... And Somehow, People love me much more than I love myself, Maybe because I focus more on loving Other people, and I forget that I gotta love myself too.... But I am really Happy and Grateful to everyone who made an impact in my existence in any way!
...and then days of Slow decline in Positivity and Faith.... and then totally out of the blue, in the middle of declining faith, this one Shabad started ringing in my ears that I herd long ago (I suspect a few days before I took Amrit), in a Rehansabhai Kirtan night... that said something along the lines of  " Mere mann, Gur Gur Gur Sad Karyey....Gur Kar rey man mere..."
This was interesting flash of Light in a drak dingy tunnel of declining faith.... because my Perception of this Line has always been, "Gur Kar rey mann mere.." as in Oh my mind - Adopt/ have/ declare a Guru...have a Guru and Follow Him completely...
I've been thinking How I cannot call my Commitment as  (* Reference *) " Sir deejay Kaan N Keejay" I can never call my commitment that I've always looked back and forth, and have always been scared of taking another step....
But I am trying!
And I am happy I am!

Jo To Prem Khelan Ka Chaao
Sir Dhar Tali Gali Meri Aao
It Maarag Pair Dharrejay
Sir Deejay Kaan Na Keeja
Sri Guru Granth Sahib, Page 1412
Sri Guru Nanak Sahib Says:
“If you yearn to sport love-divine , you can gain entrance to the arena of love with your head on your palm. And once you have set out on this path of love, offer and laydown your head with least concern for anything else.” 

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The Clouds Burnt as the Sun rose...

Alright! so, Ik Ardass Bhaat Keerat Ki therapy (so to say) is still continuous, started off, totally unintentionally, but its giving me so much inner calm....I wouldn't call it joy, but it is this cool, comforting feeling of my inside that this whole thing is opening up for me....
I've been a Thought machine though....thinking continually about what I wanna do now.... what do I prefer, what is it that I truly want.... but it is not an emotional mess the way it otherwise usually is...
Soothed... Maybe its just that!
Tuesday night SGGS Ji Maharaaj Santhya class felt very good this week! It had that feeling to it, I guess the Angs 90 onwards so far, are all about Bairaag...they have that feeling to themselves, and so did the class...

Today I got accepted into Health Science Majors program in my Bachelors of Science degree that I have been doing......It was kinda out of the blue ( i didn't expect myself to declare my major untill my 3rd or 4th year, when I first started) I went there and talked to an Academic advisor, I told her that I wanna declare my majors in Health Science, and it worked out. It wasn't such a big deal as I thought it to be, declaring majors is not such a thing that I needed to fear. I walked out of her office, and tuned back into my iPod for Guru Ram das Rakho Sarnayi (Ik Ardass Bhaat Keerat Ki) and this time it felt like He was putting me back into the centre of my own priorities, as if He wanted to settle things back in Focus for me.... My own Focus!

A  really old  (& sad) story came back to me, as I was talking to a friend about just life and Spirituality and just school stuff I guess... an episode from my childhood, when something went wrong, but I didn't understand what it was back then...(I was 5 and just inappropriate hugging that felt wrong by this guy who lived across the street from me.... we were family friends, he clearly molested me at the name of being a friend, but I couldn't tell what that whole thing was until I grew up, I just always hated him to death and devil for something that felt totally wrong, but It wasn't such a big deal until I realized what that could be... too bad I was just 5, otherwise I would have not left him with all his limbs and bones intact!)

I don't know if you percieve the flow of Ideas the way I do, but remember I said on Tuesday morning, after Nitnem and I told you that        the clouds burnt as the Sun rose.....
Thats exactly what I feel right now.... but the burning clouds shone beautifully....

Here are some of the Picture I took on Tuesday at Dawn!

Here's another one!

The Light of His Grace seems to start unraveling itself on the Horizon ... (...of my life as well)

Have a nice night Guys!
Take Care of yourselves!

I have this one thought I wanna put down before I go to bed (or try to)....
It seems like we don't need to bind ourselves in rules / orders and to the guilt of Sins and bad Karma... we  just can listen up, even we don't quite get it at first.... I guess even Listening has its own power to shower upon us!

Love and Light....
Sat Nam!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Being the follower, not the leader!

Heyo everyone!
Waheguru Ji ka Khalsa Waheguru ji

so Yesterday,Last night, Today....was all a pure blessing again!
too much work to finish in too little time, but its all set now (including the project thats due tomorrow, it has been killing me for weeks now!)... at least for now.....

Somehow, I talked to someone yesterday about the fact that I am so lost and scrambled...that I have even lost a concept and a vision of what I am trying to do here on this path...and he pointed out something that I already knew, but it was interesting to see me react to it....apparently, I always knew that I took huge leaps when I was not even in a position to toddle on this path... I took Amrit as if it were a joke and as if its not such a big deal.... I always knew this, but I still have a hard time confronting it to myself....
Baby steps, why didn't I think of those back then? there are some factors:
I didn't know about anything back then, Sikhi was like a new culture I started surrounding myself into, I liked and I thought that was enough to take Amrit... It was like A culture shock thing, a Mini skirt, artificially put Straight hair Sim wanted to look into owning her original form, original name, and everything that name would mean to her....Sim was trying to become Harsimran... and that was all I know
I have no regrets whatsoever, but the only one- that I was too immature to understand what sikhi meant and I made Amrit feel and sound very insignificant, I did not accept death, I did not give my head to the Guru....I didn't even try to see clearly who the Guru was.... but I just felt the love which I wanted to submit to....
But thats all fine...I am not dying that I can't mend things... and thats the point, I wanna get to know Guru ji more, I wanna feel freedom in surrender and in bowing to Him,...and sooner or later I will...But I cannot in any case put my back towards this power, this love this Path.... I have built up this guilt within myself that is killing me slowly... leaving me confused and blinding my vision....

Alright so I was thinking (remember, I have insomnia!) all night, and listening to Ik Ardaas Bhaat Kirat ki over and over again...and things happened...
on my iPod I went on facebook and got into a debate with some people who were judging others' for not being good Singhs/ Kaurs by cutting their hair and stuff... I just had to stand up, against them, b/c I don't think that any of us can judge someones 'Sikhi status', only God or the Guru can tell who is a Sikh and who is not!
But anyways, the point is that I did not wanna win a debate , what made me feel so good is that I for once in my Lifetime, I did not get super angry and smash peoples' faces with swear words.... WOW,,,, that's a Big deal for me.... I can't believe my own words now when I think about it...
And not only that, but when someone accused me of being a haircut non sikh (when I am not!), I did not wanna defend myself at all..... that is totally out of the roof of being myself....when People hurt my Ego I act like a total Idiot.... but I felt like I'd be wasting my time...and that I should do better things instead...
So I got right up, took a shower and started doing my Nitnem at like 3:30 am, that was cool, because I don't do it that early very often....
It totally taught me so many things
Some of them are:  I realized earlier during the day that I am in tight grip of Maya, because of which I live in a constant denial of the fact that I am the one responsible for scrambling my situation .... but a mixture of Ego and Love for Guru ji keeps me going even though I am not doing much to improve my situation! I realized that It is my ego that makes me think I need to win, if I back up on this path I will loose the race that I started when I first took Amrit, opposing my mom...I think I am egotistically attached to the idea that I Never make mistakes, and now I cannot slow down and take baby steps towards the Guru because I don't wanna lose the race at the hands of my own people! Boy, Who does that? I can't believe I am doing this, somewhere deep Lame I can be............
But now, after the Ik ardaas Bhaat Kirat Ki "therapy" and nice and proper Nitnem, I feel like myself again....the whole Idea that ....Whoa I've lost a concept of who I am and blah blah and stuff like I wanna do Devotion (even if I don't feel devotion)  for the wrong and crazy reasons, ... the entire idea and the entire cloud of 'that stuff' is not surrounding my head anymore..... I can take things down my throat one bite at a time.....
and that is what I am gonna do....
So basically Guru ji went through the process of acceptance and not not taking shortcomings as defeat with me, and held my hand through the process....and He just made me his own....
he taught me a lesson for life.... I spend too much time and energy being this Anger-ster or Angerista (I like these words !!!) I need to take it easy..... and now that feels easy too!
How do you take insult? well, Leave that I don't even know If I feel insulted....

Anyways! I took some pictures of the burning clouds as the Sun rose this morning..... but I am at school right now, so I'll share them with you once I'm at home with my camera and cards!

Thanks so much for reading!
Love and Light!

I think I sound like a total idiot, who's always crying, but I promise I'm much cooler than that!

Sat nam!!!
Guru Fateh!


ਹਮ ਅਵਗੁਣਿ ਭਰੇ ਏਕੁ ਗੁਣੁ
ਨਾਹੀ ਅੰਮ੍ਰਿਤੁ ਛਾਡਿ ਬਿਖੈ ਬਿਖੁ ਖਾਈ ॥
ਮਾਯਾ ਮੋਹ ਭਰਮ ਪੈ ਭੂਲੇ ਸੁਤ ਦਾਰਾ ਸਿਉ ਪ੍ਰੀਤਿ ਲਗਾਈ ॥
ਇਕੁ ਉਤਮ ਪੰਥੁ ਸੁਨਿਓ ਗੁਰ ਸੰਗਤਿ ਤਿਹ ਮਿਲੰਤ ਜਮ ਤ੍ਰਾਸ ਮਿਟਾਈ ॥ 
...ਇਕ ਅਰਦਾਸਿ ਭਾਟ ਕੀਰਤਿ ਕੀ ਗੁਰ
ਰਾਮਦਾਸ ਰਾਖਹੁ ਸਰਣਾਈ ॥੪॥੫੮॥
I am overflowing with sins and demerits; I have no merits or virtues at all. I abandoned the Ambrosial Nectar, and I drank poison instead.
I am attached to Maya, and deluded by doubt; I have fallen in love with my children and spouse.
I have heard that the most exalted Path of all is the Sangat, the Guru's Congregation. Joining it, the fear of death is taken away.
Keerat the poet offers this one prayer: O Guru Raam Daas, save me! Take me into Your Sanctuary! ||4||58||

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Humility - Nimarta

We are blessed  to have Amrit vela Fridays in my local Sangat (Youth)  throughout the summer. Sometimes, I have to miss, and do my Nitnem on my own, because I hesitate to wake my parents up, to drop me off to the Gurudwara, but anyways, I was reading an e-mail from a very active member of the Sangat, just a few minutes ago, which made me think about the Humbleness of a true Sikh of the Guru....He wrote it, because the event was gonna get canceled for this week, because of lack of people signing up for seva.
But here's the thing, I find this Humble-ness (Humility), beyond my understanding.....

The one thing I do not understand at all is Humility.... How can we be humble? Nimarta or Humility is a concept in Sikh faith which Guru jee talks about several times:
"The fruit of humility is intuitive peace and pleasure. With Humility they continue to meditate on the Lord, the Treasure of excellence. The God-conscious being is steeped in humility. One whose heart is mercifully blessed with abiding humility. Sikhism deal Humility as begging bowl before the god," Guru Nanak, First Guru Of Sikhism said,
"Listening and believing with love and humility in your mind cleanse yourself with the Name, at the sacred shrine deep within." (Page 4,Guru Granth Sahib)

"Make contentment your ear-rings, humility your begging bowl, and meditation the ashes you apply to your body." (Page 6,Guru Granth Sahib).

"In the realm of humility, the Word is Beauty. Forms of incomparable beauty are fashioned there." (Page 8,Guru Granth Sahib).

ਕਬੀਰ ਦਾਵੈ ਦਾਝਨੁ ਹੋਤੁ ਹੈ ਨਿਰਦਾਵੈ ਰਹੈ ਨਿਸੰਕ ॥ ਜੋ ਜਨੁ ਨਿਰਦਾਵੈ ਰਹੈ ਸੋ ਗਨੈ ਇੰਦ੍ਰ ਸੋ ਰੰਕ ॥੧੬੯॥
Kabīr ḏāvai ḏājẖan hoṯ hai nirḏāvai rahai nisank. Jo jan nirḏāvai rahai so ganai inḏar so rank. (169)
Kabeer, those who brag, shall burn. Those who do not brag remain carefree. That humble being who does not brag, looks upon the gods and the poor alike. (169)

I, personally, can never understand humility, but I am aware of it, and I know that it touches my heart.....

Recently I met Bhagat Jaswant Singh (Bhagat ji). He is the person who brought revolution in Gurbani Santhya (Recitation technology) and has done a lot of work in teaching Gurbani to the new generation Sikhs. You can find out more about his works in  and  
To me, He defines Humility.... humility doesn't feel like a false persona, or just another mask anymore, when it comes to him. I guess that is partially why I see people addressing him as 'they' instead of him...
there are some things he said / taught me the other day that I'd like to share with you all:
For one, I feel that he believes that as a Sikh, you don't only have to be completely Lacto-Vegitarian (and non consumer of Alcoholic drinks/ foods and drugs / tobacco) but also have to really eat stuff that only you or those people prepare who are always in Simran (remembring God)...
He has a love for people that I've never before felt in other people, in fact, He has a certain charm to himself, that is rare, He, I noticed, uses words like Happy, Wonderful and fun so much that just being around him is so much fun!
He always listens to Gurbani (The word of the Guru) , and tells people to listen to it as well. He promotes healthy living, like he told me by just looking at me that I had less blood ( and I really am anemic) and he told me to exercise and listen to Gurbani...and stuff like that....
It was interesting, in fact He while making it feel all kiddish, touched everyone' feet.... even mine....

And that reminded me of this little story my brother told me once:

He told me a different perspective to Baba Deep Singh ji's story,
Being the dust of every ones' feet is what a Sikh prays for....
     (First, accept to die in life and give up interest in worldly life, become the dust of the feet of everyone, then come to me ).
(Check this out ----   )

So, the version of Baba Deep Singh ji's story was with everything the same, but just that the reason he threw His head in the parkarma(n) (the place where everyone walks, in order to get to the inside of the Gurudwara) in the premises of the Golden Temple complex was because He wanted to be the dust of the feet of all the Sikhs, as they went to pay their Homage in the Harimandar Sahib.....
It is so interesting...... after having given his life to the faith, he also chose to give his death to the Gursikhs, by putting his head at the feet of the Guru and his Followers..... that is Humility in my eyes....

and reading that e-mail....I think choosing to do the seva of calling people out to come to an event, and still practicing Humility....Man, it almost feels like perfect world to me right there.....

Its like Angels on earth...all of these Gursikhs, even just normal Sikhs who can manage to follow the Path of the Guru are so beautiful......I look at myself, and see myself doing all the things that are wrong for a sikh to do,...but then live with those things, But here are the people I see with my own eyes that totally make me see How beautiful the Love of the Guru can make serene, calm, wonderful.....
I am so blessed ways more that I can say or tell....

Love and Light!!!

Thursday, July 8, 2010


I recently went to the US, on a Shopping spree... the evening was beautiful....I took some cool photos of the setting sun and otherwise....
I don't know if I've ever told you that I am a bit of a Photographer on the side... but photography, to me is a faith in itself, it is beautiful and pure....I capture feelings in photos.....I love it, In fact Photos talk to me in many ways.....I'll post some of my work from the weekend in US here...but soon I'll share some photos that talk to me in inspiring ways!

Here's another one!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Today, this day.... is a true blessing....
I feel so fresh and good!
Well, I got a chance to go to the Gurudwara early morning, It was a beautiful breezy morning anyway, and just a few minutes beside my Lord, My Guru....made things even better.....

Something came to my mind like a few minutes ago, and I wanna share it....
I know someone who has a certain kind of Alzheimer (dementia) at a very young age, b/c of which he forgets everything, but the cool thing is that now he cannot work or do other things, but he uses this time in a better way...He goes to the Gurudwara every morning, and comes back in the evening, he serves the lord, day and night, and that is the only thing he remembers....this is a true story, he's my friends dad, So really I am not lying... but He inspires me so much, I've only met him in person once, but I feel like He's the perfect Human being...

This reminds me of another person who left his impact in my life... This was a little boy in my catholic school, when I was in India. His name was Nitin, we used to bus to and from school together. He was in Special School, a kid probably 11 or 12, with the brain of a 2 year old.... Nitin and I became really good friends, I was so protective of him, He used to call me 'didi' (the word for an Older Sister in Hindi). I'd chid the little kids who ever mocked at him, I'd get him seated in his class and ask him if he needed the fan on,... and he'd make gestures, and whorl like a fan! He was a gift in my life....who came to me all of a sudden out of the blue! I'd never let him cry, It was funny, I loved him more than my family sometimes.... and He loved me back... really!
One day I realized how much more wiser and special he was from all others, He really is special! I was really sick, with high Fever, and He touched my forehead (I guess he could tell that something was wrong with his didi!) and then touched his own....and shouted out 'Garam-Garam' (the hindi word for hot / warm) and I had a teary moment, b/c the same morning when I had told my teacher that I was sick and needed to go home, She said mean things to me, she said stuff like you are mentally sick, and that you lied to avoid work!
Nitin told me that day that he was a better human being, and that he had better mental capacity that a 45 year old teacher! He showed me pure love, He showed me that he was a fragment of the divine and that he loved me so much!

Life is cool!
I hope we can learn something from these people.... and just Spread love!

Take Care!
Read this on someones facebook status today..... I knew this by heart so it was a better than normal read, b/c I felt each word peircing through me, while I read it out loud... and Teary moment again....I guess this is what I am doing right now, denying that I have the biggest blessing of the World, Amrit, the Ambrosial nectar...and looking into taking the poison of maya...
 Listen to this in Kirtan (<--Link) form, its the best ever, I've loved it from my day one  of having known this verse....its almost enlightening, it illuminates, I'd say when the prayer is granted, gives a lifetime and beyond of Grace, in the Sanctuary of Guru Ram Das....(I'll get there some day....I hope! - *Oh boy! whay can't I still feel like I wanna Surrender it all to the one who gave me everything?- Ah! you see, Maya's poisoning me big time, and I choose to let it...Ah man!*)
 ਹਮ ਅਵਗੁਣਿ ਭਰੇ ਏਕੁ ਗੁਣੁ
ਨਾਹੀ ਅੰਮ੍ਰਿਤੁ ਛਾਡਿ ਬਿਖੈ ਬਿਖੁ ਖਾਈ ॥
ਮਾਯਾ ਮੋਹ ਭਰਮ ਪੈ ਭੂਲੇ ਸੁਤ ਦਾਰਾ ਸਿਉ ਪ੍ਰੀਤਿ ਲਗਾਈ ॥
ਇਕੁ ਉਤਮ ਪੰਥੁ ਸੁਨਿਓ ਗੁਰ ਸੰਗਤਿ ਤਿਹ ਮਿਲੰਤ ਜਮ ਤ੍ਰਾਸ ਮਿਟਾਈ ॥
...ਇਕ ਅਰਦਾਸਿ ਭਾਟ ਕੀਰਤਿ ਕੀ ਗੁਰ
ਰਾਮਦਾਸ ਰਾਖਹੁ ਸਰਣਾਈ ॥੪॥੫੮॥
I am overflowing with sins and demerits; I have no merits or virtues at all. I abandoned the Ambrosial Nectar, and I drank poison instead.
I am attached to Maya, and deluded by doubt; I have fallen in love with my children and spouse.
I have heard that the most exalted Path of all is the Sangat, the Guru's Congregation. Joining it, the fear of death is taken away.
Keerat the poet offers this one prayer: O Guru Raam Daas, save me! Take me into Your Sanctuary! ||4||58||


Friday, July 2, 2010

Light at the end of the tunnel! I see it...I do!

A few Nights ago, in my Guru Granth Sahib jee Maharaaj Santhya (pronunciation & recitation training) class, I got an answer of my Question, on the feet of the Guru......
Remember i said, (like some posts ago) that I am having a hard time keeping Kes (intact- uncut Hair), and I wanna continue on this path, but somewhere, I see myself falling and breaking down......

We read this line where Guru jee says that once your feet slip from this path, you return to the 8.4 million life times of tests.....
also, a coin without Stamp (khota Sikka) will be returned and carries no value.....

In I guess, last weeks class,  we suddenly started talking about Life, based on what we were reading....(I can't quite recall the exact lines, but really, When I read again, I'd remember this whole story!) and how we are almost as if falling off a tree, and holding a branch of that tree, we as victims of Maya, are happy to atleast have held the branch, and try to climb back up, but then suddenly, from a bee hive on a branch above, we see honey dropping down towards us in our mouths, and that's the moment where our mouth starts watering, forgetting all about climbing back up...and we take our time tasting the honey, when we forget where we really are..... and once our mind gets over with that one moment of the taste of Honey (Maya), it starts worrying again, and looks at the two, a white and a black mouse, that have been biting through the branch we are holding, then we see down below us, where there is an alligators open mouth , waiting for us to fall into!
I don't quite know what this story was all about, or lets say I kinda get it, but theres more to it....

I get some stuff :
the black and the white mice are Day and Night, shortening and cutting down our lives,
We are stuck between the falling branch and the alligator, waiting to eat us.... i.e., we are being tested here on earth, and you never know when it all ends,
But, we still are involved in tasting Honey, as in Maya (things that distract us from God, and Liberation here in this story!)

I feel like I am that Coin whose stamp has rubbed of, I cant seem to find myself, and hence carry no value...but then looking at all I've gotten in this path, If God and Guru jee were just to return me back, they'd just not bless me with ALL this..... there's a lot, you know, that I've been given....
Almost like an endless list of blessings!

I have a hard time believing that someone who Loves us unconditionally, will wanna test us... but I'd accept! I'd accept that one needs to pass the test...

but here's the thing... I'm happy, I;m happy with what I am and what I've got!
I've had days where God and the Guru saves me from the mouth of the alligator, like a real movie scene, God (My beloved), comes, and gives me His hand, and helps me climb back up....

twice through this week.....
I'm tellin ya! It really happened,
Once, a few days ago, when I was getting my sister to do my pedicure, I was talking to her about being free from body hair, I was talking to her about how nasty armpit hair feel, and that I wanna be able to wear all my dresses, and deep inside I was just about to borrow her wax/ shaver from her, but it never came on my lips.....something held me back.... It was like my mind and my soul going in the opposite Soul resisted...
In fact this time around, there was no resistance from my family, from my career, from anything at all, but Soul...
I don't wanna be living to wear, I wanna wear to live and nothing else....and hence, what I dress in should not determine what I wanna do with my life....(and same can apply to eating meat or drinking alcohol for other people...)

Oh and the second time, was today actually! Wow... its not a just can't be baseless... I'm thinking about it and there's so much more to it Man! I can't even believe it...
Wow! Alright, so I do like a little Kaurs mentorship program with some members of the local Sangat, I am a mentor, but you know for a fact that I'm not anything like a mentor, I am myself super unmotivated half the time, Lets just say, b/c I am older I plan events, I certainly can't inspire and Mentor in the real sense, but I've told everyone already that I am doing this to grow in my own Spiritual endeavors. But I always find the Kaurs full of experience and love for the Guru.... I often see them doing much better in their spiritual lives and hence inspiring me constantly! I love being with them, learning from them and growing....but guess what, They are my mentors in so many ways....I often try to get their point of views, rather than pinning mine down on the table.... I guess, that feels like my duty, making sure I am inclusive of all and everyone feels a like a big part of this little family (Kaurs group of Course!) Well, so my story, Um...Ok! yeah! so, we were hanging out, and chilling at my house, totally unplanned, (after changed plans I mean) and I was unmotivated to flesh and bone....I din't have anything to give to the girls.....but at the end of the day they gave me so much....I can never thank them enough....I guess you can never thank Gursikhs enough.....that's probably why Gurbani says we should want their charan dhoor (dust of their feet)... alright, so when we were done chilling and playing games, we did our reharaas Sahib was totally refreshing and almost reshaping my motivation and devotion....and then during the Ardas, we all stood together in a line, and prayed to be blessed with Gursikhi and Amrit vela some point in the beginning of the ardas, my soul told me something, and I stepped back, I felt that I did not deserve to stand in the same line as these little angels that are proud of being Guru Gobind Singh Ji's daughters.... and look at me! Oh Boy! I don't even like being what He made me like... I pierce my body, and totally can't stand body hair... almost at a verge of shaving off my body...and I am here in the lap of the Guru....Man! God's one forgiving thing! He's way too forgiving....and I stepped back...I did not see myself at the same level as them... And then, as I usually see myself doing, feeling every word of the Ardas, bowing to all the Gurus, feeling Guru Nanak Dev ji's thing...Angad te Gur Amardas (in the kind compassionate love of Guru Angad dev ji and Guru Amardass Ji maharaaj), Ramdasey Hoye Sahai... (in the Saran- feet of Guru Raam Das ji...) then bringing to my mind the Sacrifice of Guru Arjan dev ji maharaaj, and then feeling the feet of Guru Hargobind ji Maharaaj and the Healing touch of Guru Harkrishan ji! then keeping in mind the determination and devotion of Guru Teg Bahadur Sahib and Guru Gobind Singh ji maharaaj! Our Father!
Pritham Bhagautee simar kay Guru Naanak Lay dhiaaay
Fir Angad Gur tay Amar Das Ramdas-ay hoay sahai
Arjun Hargobind No simaro Siri Har Rai
Siri Har Krishan Dhiaaee-ai jis dithay sabh dukh jaa-ay
Tegh Bahadur Simaree-ai ghar nau nidh aavay dhaay
Sabh thaaee hoay sahaai
Dasvaan paatishah
Siri Guru Gobind Singh sahib jee sabh thaaee ho-ay sahai
Dhan Dhan Siri Guru Grath Sahib Jee,
Day Paath deedaar daa dhiaan dhar kay

Translation: After first worshipping the Adi Shakti, the Primal Power,
Meditate On Guru Nanak, then Guru Angad,
Guru Amar Das and Guru Raam Das, the fountain of eternal peace.
Meditate on Guru Arjun, Guru Hargobind, and Guru Har Rai.
Meditate on Siri Guru Har Krishan, and all your sufferings shall vanish.
Meditate on Guru Tegh Bahadur, and the nine treasures shall come running to you.
Great, great is the Tenth Master, Guru Gobind Singh, through whom all places are in peace.
The light of the Ten Gurus, the Siri Guru Granth Sahib Ji,
Hail hail the Siri Guru Granth Sahib, the light of the ten gurus,
Whose words are jewels of meditation.

AND tears rolled down my cheeks, they always do, in Ardas, its not a new thing to me....but today's tears were begging....begging from God the blessing of Amrit vela meditations....I felt more longing than ever before.... Ummm...Or lemme say this was one of those...that attracted me to Sikhi initially, like a year ago....
But that's not all.... I really wanna start doing something about this Failure I am as a Sikh.....
And yes I gave up the idea of getting rid of my hair, for now.... but Guru jee is funny, he's shown me that without the Lifestyle (Nitnem) I'll be a day to day Sikh, and I'd struggle between longing for it....Something tells me, I need Nitnem to feel like a good Sikh...I need that lifestyle to be waht I wanna be....
Man! Am I wanting to be an Emergency Surgeon here? That feels easier Seriously..HAHA!

And this instability is only in my spiritual life, and I am totally certain in other aspects of life, Its like I just know! I know what I wanna do in terms of career, not just one thing, but I know shear details of everything I wanna do, including the Home I'd build when I grow up....Like the funny detailed "I know myself so well!"....but I'm here after so much resistance from myself, to admit my flaws in terms of this spirituality I've found in me....this confused but confident faith on a supreme power.....I have it in me...I don't need to fear my own confusion and un-clarity of intention....I love Guru jee, and that's the bottom line...

I'm glad that I could say that out! HA! It feels lighter inside....
You know! as a child I always used to wanna have God as my friend, I've switched my faith like crazy # of times, but now, Sikhi makes me feel so complete and filled, I feel like I an getting it all in one package, I'm getting it all.....Its all one and the same to me now....
So yeah as a Kid, I wanted to feel God, as if He was a person, and always there for me...and when I'd close my door, I could say it all to Him, as if He'd be my own personalized GOD...I dunno- like the shoulder I'd cry on, and the one who'd love me for who I am, with no conditions of His own!
But then is Rehat (Code of Conduct of a Sikh) a list of Conditions I have to follow to love Guru jee?
I guess I still need some questions answered....

Hey You wanna know something....I feel like I'm in fresh love with my family....I feel like myself again...and Like I said a few days ago, I was isolating myself for the past one year, more than needed, and now, I wanna give love...I've taken wayyyy toooo much...


You know, I was reviewing my post, and I think I forgot to tell you this real cool incidence that happened with me a while ago, I was in US, for a Nagar Kirtan procession, and I guess the people were singing a Dasam Bani Shabad, and I was walking bare footed (I could not see myself walking after the Guru ji's Palki, with my shoes on...doesn't feel right to me..) and Looking down at the road under my feet, I had a little Teary moment (hahaha, I guess my Journey as I always share here, is always teary!) anyways! so that moment was a realization, of what I was trying to do as a Sikh.... I was, as if walking on a road where I could see blood, dead bodies of young sons of Guru Gobind Singh ji....and people who sacrificed everything they had, for walking here...on this road, on this Path! and that is where I wanna I? I'm no longer trying to attain perfection here....but I need to start to appreciate the Bhanna (Gods will!) and it really has a lot of weight, it will be the only thing unchanged over time, and then we all just have to work out way through it...and that too...with GRACE!

Thanks for reading my post!
I feel so much better after having shared this...Thank You!
Love and light!
Sat Nam!