OMG!!!!
Ok! so today was Fathers day..... and I went to the mall to get my dad a gift! I love shopping.....I shopped for a whole bunch of things for myself too....

But I feel like I wanna get something off my chest....
(I always do that on my blog....Its all about talking about my feelings, without worrying about being judged, b/c I trust you all....you're all pure souls and will never judge me....b/c you are here to read my heart....my relationship with you guys has nothing to do with how beautiful or ugly I am or how good or bad I write either! Our relationship is deeper than that! It is based on how you feel when you read my heart talking itself out.....Its like a heart to heart deep conversation.....I feel that with the people who write the blogs that I follow (Links on the left side bar!) I feel almost as if they are my pen friends, I don't care if I can imagine how they look...neither is it that I'd be really sad if I never get to see them or talk to them in person.....I think I can just know what they are upto...as I read them, and just feel that connection!....It is more of a feeling thing than a physical real friendship thing....I don't know....but I know that we are bonded in love that's higher than superficial shallow things....)

Alright, so, I wanted to talk about something!.... AND that is human relationships....I love my dad! I love my mom as well....In fact I love my entire family..... but since the last one year or so, I don't feel that love.....I do not see myself constantly loving my parents or siblings as much as I once did.... Yes we chose different paths in Life...Yes I rebelled against their wishes...and probably shattered their dreams for me....but then what? I have been so independent my entire teen life... even at school, I used to bike to school and do 'my stuff ' on the way...
And just being so Independent and Grown up (in that sense) made me such a self-centered little thing.... I guess, as a kid I used to think about EVERYTHING.....my parents marriage, their personal problems...their health, their financial condition, their work problems.....everything... really,  I always made sure they were fine, they were happy...and that I didn't unknowingly or otherwise hurt them.... I'd not even spend a penny if I knew they had a financial difficulty (which they hardly ever did back in the day...hahaha (with God's grace), but I still did not spend too much just so that I wasn't a burden on them...) I really wanted to make sure that they were super happy, both in their own lives and from my side...  Somewhere around when I was 18-19... I started to feel that Humans do not have the potential and the faculties to love anyone perfectly... and that is why I do not really feel pain when my mom for instance sprains her foot! I do not share her pain in the actual terms, I might say that I feel it, but really that is a lie... and so, I became really paranoid about the whole thing we call love... this is a little fuzzy concept in my head even today! but why should we quit trying, only because it seems like it won't work out....if that was how it should have been, then I should not try to love God or the Guru, b/c all I am doing is trying the almost impossible!.... but I need to try, even if I feel like I'd not do much... doing the little I can might actually help..... right?

but here's the thing....apparently, I grew up into a very immature little adult,who did not ever behave with diplomacy....I generally, just spit out what I wanna say about things regardless of whether people will like what I am saying or not... like I wanna be honest, and if I do not like to hear someone being impatient with things/people, I'd just be honest.... if I don't wanna hear someone whining about their problems, I'd just tell them how much I hate Self-pity, not b/c I don't wanna hear their problems, but b/c I do not want them to feel so bad about having those problems that they always whine about them and then calmly put down reasons for them as to why/how should they see it in a positive light.....and it always works with my friends at least...but my mom (specifically) is different, she does not like if I try to do that or it just does not work when its with her, probably b/c I am her daughter... she does not wanna see me telling her what to do, or even put up my opinions... I guess she knows life better....or it is her Hypertension kicking in and just making things worse....then what about me? do I do my part right???

Yes, that's what I really wanted to put down....I've been destroying my relationships, both to build my relationship with Guru jee (FAIL!!!! - big mistake to ignore worldly parents for being the kid of Spiritual parents...)  but really.....my mom had big time problem letting her cute little girlie who she always wanted to protect from the wrong and keep under her fin..go... she did.. and that's not b/c she did not want me to be spiritually stable or grow spiritually, but b/c she did not want to see me walking towards something I might never be able to live up to... She knew Khalsa Sikh is the ideal... and she knew I'd never wanna live with hair on my body, but I was just gonna do it without thinking much... and so, she didn't wanna see me living like a person with a lot of restrictions ... living a life that is not my true self... as if I'd live like I'm forbidden from wearing dresses or cut sleeves and other things.....but somewhere I think she was right and what she brought to the table was correct.... but I could give it a try and see it it works with me.... but there was more....she had more concerns - things that almost everyone thinks, things like I'd be all alone amongst the people I know who wears a head scarf kind of thing, she thought that people will discriminate against me, and just judge me to be a Muslim, or a terrorist if they were of that nature, she thought that I might not be able to go out and be myself hence forth... She just was worried about my safety and my emotional health... she knew I was always prone to stress and emotionally taking offense...
suddenly I forgot about all the love and all the concern I had for and towards my parents....all the worrying if they're alright, worrying about their health, their financial conditions, their love for each other and for me....................
I guess I became too busy to try and change myself.....  and start to imbibe the new faith.....being Faithful is hard...but anyways... giving it a try was all I wanted  

But today, I do not feel guilty, I came out of that phase, that dormancy in my love towards my family....
Today, I told my parents that despite the fact that I did not say this a lot this year, but I really Love you both and that I will always thank God for giving me worldly parents that are mirror images of my Spiritual parents, and my Khasam (beloved Husband Lord - as in the Gurbani) really.... all that my mom does, is out of love, b/c she wants to see me happy and safe....
And yeah if you're wondering that I forgot that I was talking about Fathers day, not Mothers day....
I didn't forget.... my dad is a purely Love personified! He's just such a lover.....a super caring dude, beautiful inside and out! He's such a good person! I am falling short of words... but really, he's the best dad there is, he's the most wonderful human being! Almost like an angel.... I know he is, I have known this ever since i was a kid..... He's so giving and always so calm..... he's definitely an Angel on Earth! There's no doubt about it!

So from now on, I guess I'm just gonna count my Mom's actual reason for stopping me on something.....I know she's way too protective, and that she'll have to let it loose with me, but still, I should see below the surface and see the honesty and the innocence in her love for me...
I should enjoy the love,,,, absorb the love and give back only LOVE....isn't that what Guru jee would want me to do......
I bet He would!

I love my parents.....
They love me.....
Life is all about giving and receiving LOVE.....isn't it?
=)
<3