Saturday, December 31, 2011

brimming with love

Vaheguru Jio <3
Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh =)

It's my Pita Ji Sri Guru Gobind Singh Ji Maharaaj's Parkaash poorabh (Birthday). Last night I tuned into the Akaal Ustat, listening to the strong voice of a Nihang reciting my Pita Ji's bani, I was constantly feeling that my Pita Ji was singing to His Preetam, His Isht (Love), Akaal Purakh Vaheguru. I was trembling and shivering at the amount of love His words held. After so many months, I felt that I was at Guru Ji's Charan Kamal, the big huge foot I lay upon, so soft with love. This, I've only felt before, while meditating on "Ang Sang Vaheguru", strangely it all came to me at the same time. Then, for the first time in my life, I felt that He held me in His hand, His hand was rough and fuzzy, but very comforting, it was as if He took charge of me so completely, and I felt it. At some point, I was so full of awe and love within myself, that I was brimming with love.  

Since the year comes to an end today, I've been very reflective of 2011 lately.
I just realized that 2011 was like the dawn of my life. Dawn of realization. I realized a gazzillion things, I was convinced of a million things that have framed and shaped my life since the moment these things dawned upon me. I have a story to share (which someone very dear to me shared with me this year, & it was always stuck in my head this year):

Once there was a King. He had a beautiful wife, who He loved dearly. One day He has to go to a battle, He goes out, bids farewell to His wife till He returns in a couple of days. He makes sure that while He is away, His wife has all the comforts of life and everything at her end runs smoothly.
Days pass by, and he comes back home to His queen, victorious. No one in the palace knows that he is returning home. On the night of His return, He goes directly to His Queens room and finds her sleeping naked with some guy. He instantly puts his loyee (warm long shawl- scarf thing, that guys wrap around their robes) on her, so that no one else sees her naked body. He then goes to His room and never tells anyone of His wife's frailty, He never even brings it up with his queen ever in life. He just keeps on loving her as if nothing ever happened... absolutely unconditionally...
Years pass by, both the king and the queen age quite a bit.
The queen realizes that the king wouldn't live much longer. At his death bed, she cries and weeps and is scared to loose such a loving Husband. She realizes how amazing her King is and says, "I can never have anyone who would keep my patt (honour/ dignity) like you did. How am I supposed to live without you". "I've done bad things and you always kept my patt (dignity/honour)".

This story struck a cord with me, because first half of 2011, I always felt that I was not good enough for my preetam, my God & Guru. I felt that I always put Him down, I always gave up on Him. Since my spirituality is by means of my relationship with the Guru and not any religion, I even felt that I was cheating on my love. This story reinforced that conditional, worldly relationships are just transitory. they are really only meant to fill your duniavy (worldly), maaya (things that distract you from your Khasam, Akaal Purakh Vaheguru) directed- emotional voids and balance out your emotional influxes. Transitory, worldly relationships are essentially based on needs, even if we don't recognize that at some point. It brought to me that the ONLY relationship worth living for is the one you have with the Light of God within you. The relationship you have with Guru Ji and God, for this is the only permanent affair, rest EVERYTHING is transitory; the relationships, the love which has the ability to cause pain or give anything other than pure uninhibited love. This year, more than ever in life (count these as my testimonies if you will), I've had lucid moments of gratitude and love, not only with all fellow beings, but also with Guru Ji. I've felt Him in so many nights and days. I've seen How everything that I didn't wanna accept kept coming to me as a blessing ready to be unfolded. I've clearly seen that all the failures in my way were His Love for me, trying to literally keep my patt (izzat/ laaj - honour), when I had given it up for gaining a better position in Maaya's world.

He literally increased, while I diminished. This is my #1 goal of 2012 as well. 
I want His Jot to increase and expand and me, my ego to diminish and die.

This year, I did make a looooot of mistakes, at times, I was at my darkest, but Guru Ji did not leave me when I was and He also had me recognize the voids I was trying to fill an the fluxes that I was trying to fuel. He had me realize that the past shouldn't make me bitter, it should make me better. He had me fall in love with Him in a way that I never wanted to get back up. In so many duniavy ways/ situations, he had me fall so hard and fall so intensely, but He also gave me the reason to thrust upwards almost instantly, with double the intensity. 
Guru ji and God are amazing =)

 My Amrit vela regime is on, and its cool, I plan to invite y'all to it some day. Maybe on Skype or something, if not, I can definitely make a video and post it here <3


Anyways. I think I should go now, there's a rehansabhai (all night kirtan) I wanna go to tonight =) So excited!

*Love & light* <3 *Hugs & Prayers*

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Wahgeuru Ji Ki Fateh <3

PS. Meditations for Pita Ji's Birthday: 
1) Lucid dreaming: Let yourself breath and loosen up. Meditate on the presence of Guru Ji, and chant (if thats your thing- like me ;) - And Sang Vaheguru... and let yourself reconnect to the Pritham Bhagauti, the presence, or to the light of your soul- whatever works. What works for me, is to imagine my favourite times- like chaur seva or jode seva until you can imagine yourself at Pita Ji's Charan Kamal. Oh and this one also works for me- I go to the swings at an odd time (when there wouldn't be too many people, and imagine pita Ji swinging me while I chant - you see why I called this lucid dreaming? hahaha- yes thats what it is literally!
2) Here are some of my favourite things to Chants form the Akaal Ustat: (Chant for 10 minutes either in the solitude of your room, while relaxed breathing or just chant all day while you are out & about.) Chant with all you've got- mind, body & words. You will fall in one with everything as you open yourself up to the consciousness that God is all around you- Guru Ji is all you see in His Creation =)
ਈਹਾਂ ਹਰੀ ॥ ਉਹਾਂ ਹਰੀ ॥ ਜਿਮੀ ਹਰੀ ॥ ਜਮਾ ਹਰੀ ॥੩॥੫੩॥
The Lord is in here. The Lord is there. The Lord is in the earth. The Lord is in the sky. 
ਭਜੋ ਹਰੀ ॥ ਥਪੋ ਹਰੀ ॥ ਤਪੋ ਹਰੀ ॥ ਜਪੋ ਹਰੀ ॥੧੨॥੬੨॥
Meditate on the Lord. Worship the Lord. Perform devotion for the Lord. Repeat the Name of the lord. 12.62.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

A blossoming flower...

Vaheguru Jio <3
Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Wahgeuru Ji Ki Fateh =)

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas =)
I had some family friends over the in the evening on Christmas day, we ate good food and talked and had some family time...
In the meanwhile.......
A blossoming flower, a young teen approached me.
She had a million questions,
a million concerns about what happens if "...."
She was apprehensive about so much, while I only had a few minutes to talk to her...
What happens if I wear make-up to school? Will the guys be attracted to me?
Whats the deal with high school? Do they really make out in the middle of the hallways?
What  happens if I have a million acne on my face?
What happens if my friends have boyfriends?
Is it fair for me to look for one?
What happens if my parents forbid me from going out with guys?
what will happen if I end up liking someone? Or if someone likes me?
Why is everybody so bad? Why do they do things which are not 'right'?
this person did this, that person did that. My friend kissed him, he went out with someone else...
I told her..., oh beautiful soul,
every time you look at somebody and think bad about them,
Or gossip about them, without knowing their entire situation,
the bad act of gossiping comes back onto yourself, in some form.
You might get acne if you slander.
You might fail the test you cheat on or fail an even bigger test in life because of the cheating.
Every bad word/ deed/ thought has an effect upon yourself.
Having a boyfriend is not bad, unless you let it become bad, for yourself.
Doing anything is okay, as long as you're not going against yourself to do it.
Its interesting how sometimes we don't teach kids things in a simple Karma based system & slander or curse others/ swear ... in front of them all the time & let them indulge in Nindya (the Gurbani word for slander/ bitching about someone).
I think Karma is such a simple concept and so is the concept of acceptance (without labelling things as good or bad). And we need to put so much weight is on self-discipline in life, which is the hardest thing to do. Setting your own boundaries, of maybe even having no boundaries, but being good & doing good- makes good things happen to you...
It was so interesting to see how the fear of acne made her realize in the following conversations that an 'XYZ' comment was slander, and an 'ABC' point was about perspective, not god or bad.
At the end of the day, you suffer your own pain & so remind yourself constantly, to not inflict the pain upon yourself for the future, while trying to get a temporary gain in the present.
interesting.... teens are always cool, super cool =) Any interaction with them teaches you tonnes, not only about what you feel about their issues, but also about life in general & about pretty much everything...
In the meanwhile, my personal Amrit vela regime is making my life so much easier, yet there's so much realization of hidden black holes of energy within me. A dawn of realization, so bright that I am startled every sadhna session. so many veils are opening up, as I'm slowly coming out of my blindness. I can clearly see things which have always been issues for me, and accepting the truths I've never let myself even realize. Mera Baid Guru Gobinda, My healer is healing all the voids of energy I was seeking to fill. He's creating energy influxes in areas I've cleverly avoided for as long as I can remember. He is healing me & making me better again, just like a newly born baby.
There was a conflict today that I had to come in and resolve, and I felt my energy had changed entirely. I was dealing with it in a whole different way. Growing up, I've seen people behaving like 5 year olds, throwing things on each other when facing conflict. Absolutely wild. But here I was in the middle of it all, recognizing how pointless it is & always was.
I've realized a lot for a very little time, so much that I'm having a hard time handling it. But my healer, my Guru, my preetam knows what to give me, when to give me & exactly how much dosage of the treatment I will need to make positive changes in my life. My SatGuru (True Guru) is super awesome, amazing, mind-blowing Fantasticcccc!!!
Anyways. I've realized so many interesting things about myself, with Guru Ji's Kirpa, which I hardly ever noticed, or if I did, I didn't accept them. For next semester, I've made a daily schedule, I've reviewed my academic plan to make things work for me and I've started learning music & swimming- all on my own (using online/ printed media resources)- without any teachers- I'm also regulating my eat-sleep pattens... And just embracing self-mediated learning & constantly trying to stay motivated & organized (thats a hard one for me)... But really, I'm doing nothing its the supreme healer who's just showering me with His love & care- soooo much.
There are a tonne of personal issues which needed work, and my Vaheguru, the healer is doing an absolutely stunning job- awakening me & my soul, every minute, every day.

Wow! God is such a sweetheart <3
I should get going

Take Care

*Love & light* <3 *Hugs & prayers*

Ps.:Be certain

in the religion of Love
there are no
believers or unbelievers.
Love embraces all.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The state of affairs within.

Last week: 
A lot of things are stirring up within me. A lot of old and not so old memories, feelings, ideas are surfacing.
I unexpectedly wrote a poem one night in my daily journal (even though the day was quite a normal, fine day for me) and just like every single one of my poems & songs, this one came with a lot of tears and feelings that I didn't even know existed inside me... Oh so much pain and hurt... I even titled it "OMG did I just write that!?!" for now, cause I'm surprised at the amount of hate and hurt I was carrying on my shoulders, so much pain which it came from and drowned into... Well, for now it's a secret composition, and it will remain in my personal journal until I'm ready. (unlike those Love of my life poems that everyone has heard me sing at various occasions). So much realization, such a huge release! 

I've had so many moments this past week, when I felt that I am becoming just a reflection of all the pain and resentment I have within me for people. Things are rough, they're rough in everyones lives. I'm no exception. But NOW I've started to 'realize that the other person is you [me]'. With every resentful gesture/ statement/ idea that springs in my mind, against anyone (and particularly those of my loved ones who have discouraged me on my path towards Pita Ji Maharaaj's Charan Kamal) that springs up in my mind, The words of Yogi Bhajan, "Recognize that the other person is you" ring in my ears... and instantly I know that everyone is just mirroring my actions/ feelings/ hate back towards me and vice versa. I realize & recognize my blazing ego, my lack of forgiving ability, my lack of faith in the idea that "sab meh jot, jot hai soi: The same Light pervades all". The challenging part is to forgive completely, love unconditionally and let go of all that did not come about directly from that Light- the Jot of God and the Guru. 
The more I realize, the more I feel the need to change it, and with that burning need to change, I fall again. Then through a Hukamnammah one morning, Guru Ji told me that we have so much filth from the millions of past life, that a human like me has no power to cure/ kill these vices or anxiety. The only way for me to actually get rid of my anxiety is to give it to Guru Ji- Only He has the power to heal the pain, help me forgive and let go. 
Wow, realized that surrender is the ultimate path towards healing. 

I've always felt that every single thing that is hard on me, or is not working out in my life at this point will work out once I surrender completely to the true Guru's Charan Kamal, I've seen this working in so many peoples lives, that I'm certain. I've seen it working in my own life to some extent (with my compulsive nail biting habit LOL, which is now a thing of the past). And I know I'm not the best lover of Guru Ji. I don't surrender every day & every breath of my life at His Charan Kamal. When we love someone, we should be ready to give up everything for them- which is what I wanna willingly do for Guru Ji. And I know that I will commit so completely, at a time that Guru Ji has determined.... but I know that the time is coming, its gonna happen very soon. My whole system, my life is pushing me into realization, in every breath there's so much urge and so much longing, but at this point I don't feel as committed as I would like to.

And now, as of today, I know that I am committed to Guru Ji Charan Kamal, so completely that things have started to change within a matter of days. I've started a new Sadhna. A new meditation+ Simran + Nitnem regime at Amrit vela, which I hope to God helps me get there. I hope this gets  me super close to Pita Ji's Charan Kamal, that place of completely blissful surrender where I've felt so much at home, so much at peace that no other state of being satisfies me. I've been there on and off, once in a while in meditation. I need to be there in my eternal abode that balanced polarity within me, from where I CAN love so completely, Live so freely and sing/ laugh so openly. 
It's working so far, and I want it to never be disrupted. I want this regime to only become deeper and better, I cannot afford for it to stop. Now that there is s sense of discipline & structural practice in place, nothing can fall apart =)
I've felt a change in my consciousness almost as soon as the sadhna regime started. 

The eternal supreme healer is working upon my severed soul.
And I am ever so grateful to the supreme almighty God & the Guru 

May you be eternally blessed
May you be eternally blissful
Have a good rest of the week guys!
Whageuru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh =)

H. Kaur

Monday, December 5, 2011

"too religious"? What the !?!

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh 

It exam season, and this week I have 3 exams back to back with only a couple of hours b/w each one. I'm so cray that I didn't get anything rescheduled... well, cause I thought I can make it- and Yeah, its challenging but I will survive =P 
So, basically, I should be buried in my books right now, but I just wanna write briefly....

Here's the deal, I've been writing for the past few weeks, and every time I type out my thoughts, and am ready to publish them, I change my mind and put them in my private journal instead of here (my public journal aka this blog). Why??? I dunno! But I have some ideas... ok so in plain words, I think I'm becoming too uptight about sharing spiritual defeat as well as sharing spiritual victories.... any spiritual experiences. Weird, right?...

Ok anyways! today I wanted to write about the term "religious", basically for some reason, I'm so uncomfortable using this term and being labelled as religious... I don't even know why....
but this past week a few of my discourses with people have made me think that I have slowly become religious- maybe even too religious LOL... even though I started out as being "Spiritual". I always thought that I wasn't religious, I was just spiritual. I wasn't a sikh, I was just in a relationship with Guru Ji and Akaal Purakh Vaheguru...
Then I slowly started thinking that I am a Sikh, but by means of my relationship with Guru Ji, not by means of "religiosity". Interesting, right?
Well, I guess it all sits in how you define Religion...
Initially I thought Religion was a set of beliefs and the rules that people follow as a result of those beliefs...
Now I think religion differs between individual to individual, its almost like my religious path is my custom might be some derivation of a shared set of ideas that constitute a 'religion' (Sikhi) at a socio-population level...
OMG... this stuff is getting so complicated... (see- too religious!!! my mind just said: Why am I even bothered, I should go do Simran buddy!)

Here's the thing that concerns me- I tread on the path of spirituality, with my relationship with Guru Ji- Its a relationship, not a religion... I never planned to be blessed with Dastaar (turban) for example, it just came my way... more like I didn't walk on the path with a set of rules to follow/followed any rules to begin with, I was just freestyle dancing into the realms of spirituality.... but slowly, I don't know when and why, I started to fall in love, more and more and was blessed with certain tides of time in my purely spiritual relationship with Guru Ji, that had me start to embrace all that He said, and all that He lived by- which to some is "Religion". Fair enough!... Well, then why should that concern me? 
Well, I don't know. I think that spirituality encompasses religion- it kinda becomes religion at some point. It kinda just moulds your mind and heart to blend in with your soul and become ONE with everything- religion included!
And the power of all this scares me. Its not so much about being labelled 'religious', but the fact that sometimes religion can pick you and make you step aside, outside of that ONE fold idea of Spirituality, that  I was attracted to at the first place. Its like spirituality (& meditation) results a union of your mind and body with your soul- a strictly spiritual entity- which makes you ONE with everything - the universe and everything above & beyond. And then comes religion- almost like a Ridhi-Sidhi (mystical power), which you need to use very wisely, in order to stay in the "ONE" and not come out with the Ego of being a 'something' (a "sikh" for example)... so I guess I'm saying that I'm scared of "religious ego", not being religious itself... and you can put them neatly in different compartments of your brain. You can be proud to be who you are, and then (if ego does take charge- or you let it...) you can be egotistical about your identity as a Sikh, for example which of course, defeats the purpose of being a Sikh at the first place... You've gotta humble yourself to become Guru-wala, you've gotta be a follower, not a leader (in that aspect of your being)...

Wow- this was a cool write-up, since- sometimes, writing everything that's on your mind helps you figure what your real issue is and draw a permissible conclusion(s)...

So I think, perhaps I'm scared of having a 'religious ego'... I guess I felt that when I first started tying a dastaar, I found my mind pondering something along the lines of.... "If you are to become the dust of everyones feet, then why would you wanna have a 'crown'? Isn't it an egotistical thing to feel like you are royalty"
And I still wore a huge dastaar, telling myself that I am Royalty, because of my Pita Ji Sri Guru Gobind Singh Ji Maharaaj, I am royalty, by means of His greatness, not my own 'royal-ness/ royal-blood' (I know its not applicable to me LOL, but you know what I mean?)  
I don't like how the idea that 'our Dastaars are our crown' sound, but I don't dislike it either, cause I feel that I am Pita Ji Maharaaj's Family, His daughter... but a daughter who needs to serve all beings in order to Have His Darshan.  
Its like walking upon a wall cautiously and carefully, until you fall into His blissful arms, and if you don't humbly serve while you walk through life, you shall not have Him waiting with His arms wide open, at the end of your life/ wall, and you'd fall on your face =(
Well, that as well, doesn't sit in my head as something I'm scared of (I am weary of it, but it doesn't scare me at all)...
BECAUSE, I truly believe in Pita Ji's Kirpa... I truly know for a fact that Pita Ji will never ever let go of me... He will never give up on me, AND He'll always be there waiting for me with His arms wide open.
See my head is a mess- but A BEAUTIFUL MESS =)

Oh and He adores me He loves me soooo much (See I'm not cocky about God's love for me- I'm just so sure that He is, cause He says in Gurbani that HE is Ang-sang, all the time... ).... I just really wish to please Him and have Him do some tiny amount of Kirpa =P 
He adores me, but for the last few weeks I've been reflecting on how God's love is oh so amazing and unconditional, and How He and His love never fails me, while I fail Him all the time. My love for Him is not even a teeny infinitesimal piece off of His. Quantitatively & qualitatively, perhaps my love is a fail =( But Oh God ... God's my super amazing man and I'm His feeble minded not so amazing girl.
You know what, I lost one of my stud ear-rings, and then I thought maybe this is a sign from Pita Ji Maharaaj that I should give up on having an ear-piercing... Isn't that too religious? (I have an ear-piercing, and I like wearing studs- that's disobedience of the Guru, but as a spiritual person, I used to condemn myself from thinking that there are rules of religion that I need to follow...) Now, perhaps I'm starting to embrace that rule with my Khushi (happiness) and not as a rule of the religion, just like the blessing (not rule) of Dastaar came to me 3 months ago. Also, someone was asking me about Bajjar Kurehits- and from our discourse, I drew that I'm probably too strict with the 4 categories- Like I include so many things in each- so that made me question if I was too religious- but I think thats cool- as long as I don't let myself fall into ego of being a certain way, I'm okay. But seriously, I can't shrink my list of "principles" just because it might seem too much to some people... And also, Rehit is Rehit nothing less, nothing more. It needs to be followed the exact way that the Panj Piyaarey  in Pita Ji Maharaaj's Hazoori tell you, mistakes & disruptions are permissible, and so is forgiveness, but why in the world did I think even for one moment, that I was being "too religious". Gosh! my mind is such a kadhu (pumpkin LOL- yes I don't use words that put me down)! Nom Nom Nom Nom....

Anyways, I'll go study now =)

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Wahgeuru Ji Ki Fateh
PS. On Friday, it was such a close call- I was gonna b late for my presentation, but guess what, God loves me soooo much- He literally adores me. He tricked the world into waiting for me without making anyone realize that I was missing! A different group presented their paper first! God How am I ever gonna thank you enough? You always keep my honour. I freaking love you to death ♥
PPS. OH!!! did I mention, this AMAZING website (& phone app) called Sikh FAQ's?
Man, you must check it out, I think that the answers are sometimes too strict, for my current level of practice of Sikhi, but usually they are amazing, in fact- super amazing & super-inspiring. I'd totally recommend anyone to read everything on this website/app to increase your knowledge of Gurmat-  the website is:   I've got the android app for it and I think I'm so addicted to reading that stuff, sometimes I'll be in the bus reading their posts. 
Ok, over n out now!
*Love n Light* ♥ *Hugs n Prayers*