Friday, January 28, 2011


Last night, for my evening Nitnem, I was a bit late, so I decided to do some extra banis and do a long Nihang Rehraas Sahib with aarta aarti, and Kirtan Sohila, all in one session, so I could sleep right after. I do the Nihang nitnem whenever I actually do a proper, sitting down, without time restriction Nitnem (which I am aiming at making my daily spiritual practice, but as you know, these things take time and super-dedication, I am still in the trying stage but I do see some light coming my way, slowly) . Well, I do Nihang Nitnem because of a few different reasons, that I will touch on in this post...
but before I get there, I wanted to share this bit of my experience with Rehraas Sahib last night...
I feel like I have bits of it partly memorized, and so I would read out the title of the Raag / stanza and just say out the verses with my eyes closed. I was trying (I don't think I completely achieved it but I was trying) to do it carefully with my heart and mind stabilized in the Guru's words.
Somehow, I guess I was seeing visions, I felt like I was in the Sri Harimander Sahib, and for a while, I was me.. and I was bowing, and for some while, I felt I was a tiny little birdie, who lives there on a tree and on the premises of the GuruDwara Sahib.  I haven't been to India (/Sri Amritsar) for the past 4 and a half or so years, but I felt that I belonged to the Guru Ghar. Isn't that crazy!?! There was so much peace and so much love in that moment... I felt the energy in the blessings and love, Guru jee was bestowing upon me... So grateful!
Well, now about Nihang Nitnem... When I was new to Sikhi, I went to an Academy (GNA) with my brother, where I attended the english Katha class- (It is broadcasted online every Saturday night, you could click at the link and enjoy & learn from it on every Saturday night at 6 pm to 9 pm Pacific time). The instructor had an everlasting impact in my life as a Sikh, and thats where I first realized my connection with Guru Jee and Sikhi.
The one thing I learnt, was Sikhi, as a personal path is all about Prema-Bhagti (meaning Devotional love).
Hence, (1) I choose to do Nihang Nitnem, simply out of Love of Guru Jee, I feel that it is a bit longer, so I get to read more of the Guru jee's message, and if I have the time, I can do extra Banis. It is just wonderful, as I feel the more time I am ready to give to Guru jee, the more I feel connected to His Holy Charan Kamal.
(2) I love how it makes me feel, I can do the regular (Minimal) Nitnem if I am running out of time, but I try to do the longer version, because I guess we possess a Buddha Dal (Nihang) Gutka Sahib, b/c my brother likes the Nihang Lifestyle and I guess I picked that up from him in the sense that I like it too! (I am still not super rehat-vaan but I try)  I love the tone, the power and the connection in some verses, it is profound...[By the way, Nihang lifestyle is harder and much more disciplined. Also, I am purely Lacto- vegetarian, and so is my brother, we don't think this lifestyle allows us to kill/eat animals) I find Nihang Singhs like Baba Deep Singh very inspiring, He is our role model, so that's partly the reason...
(3) I think that the version consists of a lot of Sri Dasam Guru Granth Sahib jee verses (and some Sri SarabhLoh Guru Granth Sahib jee verses as well)  and Banis. This is a particularly interesting and special reason for me. It is special, because our father, Sri Guru Gobind Singh jee maharaaj is super special! I have read a bit about how some people deny Guru Gobind Singh Jee Maharaaj's authorship of Sri Dasam Guru Granth Sahib, but the true Scholars and BrhamGianis don't. I just don't like questioning Bani, because Guru jee blesses it to only those who have faith, and faith asks no questions. And yet I think asking questions is not a bad thing, as long as your question is well thought, researched & it doesn't affect the Panth's integrity & harmony. Every time I hear about Kirpan Issues, or violence in GuruDwaras, It is during Anti- Dasam Guru Granth Sahib Jee meetings etc. & that breaks my heart. I'm sure Guru jee wrote them, just because He did! Anyways the point is I am not a scholar, and so I want to expose my consciousness to The Guru jee's writing and slowly develop better interest in Guru Granth Sahib Jee maharaaj, as well as Sri Dasam Guru Granth & Sri SarabhLoh Guru Granth Jee. So that I can (hopefully some fine day) learn a little bit from our Guru jee's and be good!

Khalsa Panth is beautiful, Guru jee is beautiful, I really only pray for thy Love Oh Lord!
Please bless me, so I can love you & be devoted to your Charan Kamal!

"There is nothing so lovely and enduring in the regions which surround us, above and below, as the lasting peace of a mind centred in God" -Yoga Vashishtha

Love and Light

Guru Fateh =)

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


Tomorrow morning I have to be at work at 7 am, and yet I don't want to fall asleep, right away... I want to write..and share with you some little updates on how these few days have unraveled, and unveiled what they were hiding until they came and knocked on my door.

I feel like doing something simple like blowing bubbles... I don't know why. But I do know that bubbles make me happy, they excite me...
I went to the retreat, over the weekend, despite disobeying my parents, I was able to let go of the guilt and Go with what my calling was.... I finally held a hand, and left another, but I'm glad that the hand I held was that of my Guru, who will never ever let go of me. I learnt so much from it though,
There were times when my eyes were teary, just because I couldn't thank Guru jee enough...
I got a chance to hang out with someone- I felt that her Sangat was so amazing, we went out for a walk by the beach at night. And we did not talk too much, She made me feel and realize the power of Silence, I can't even begin to describe my feelings of that night...  I probably don't sound too cool saying all this... but really, I feel that you can sustain Spiritual wisdom within yourself only if you have a quiet space inside of your body where there are no distractions, no instability of mind, no emotions, nothing... nothing but constant Naad, or maybe even constant peace- and where you can be with Guru jee, even when on the outside you are with others. Guru jee lives in our hearts, but do we really feel Him there, do we really tune in and look for Him?...
I learnt a whole bunch of important things....
But for today, I had a crazy day... First, in the morning I walked down the hill because I missed a bus, and I was running late, It was a beautiful morning and I love walking.
Had a longer than usual Wednesdays... And, in the evening I got a call from someone that disheartened me, this was regarding work and I love challenges, and hence I was taking on a new challenge, but I did not get selected for it. Well, Its not too bad, maybe next time!

At the end of the day, all I have to say is that I am thankful and grateful to the Universe for the relationship I have with my Guru, because that is the only thing that kept me from shattering into pieces!
Oh Guru Jee, I love you, You always save me! You are my only support =)

Good Night!
Guru Fateh!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Inspiration outside the box

Sometimes I wonder if I am the spider who is gonna keep trying endlessly until I succeed in building my web (In this case attaining place & hence peace in My True Gurus Charan) or the one who will fall on my face and give up.
One thing is that I get to decide that! Second, is that all I can do is Pray and Hope that my Ardaas is granted, which is a given, because the True Guru Answers His childrens' prayers. Third is that no matter what, Guru jee will never ever ever let go of me, even if I decide to show my back to Him, He will never back up on me...
There is a Sikh retreat coming up this weekend, and I really guess I wanna go, but how much do I need to struggle and fight my guilt resulting from disobeying? In order to go to an event like this, I need to Disobey my Duniavi Parents (Worldly/ Bodily parents), and I don't want to do that... Yet I registered and can't think which hand to leave, which one to hold...
Since Guru Jee will never leave my hand and let go of me, I have very little to worry about... but somehow fear surrounds me, I fear the consequences to Duniavi relationships and if I see a single tear fall down an eye, I can never forgive myself... besides, disobeying is disobeying- My Duniavi Parents are wonderful and so loving that just by disobeying them I should be ashamed of myself... Clearly I suffer from Moh!
But what do retreats offer to me that I feel a need to disobey? One, Sangat (Congregation of the Holy), which in itself is Guru's Roop (the face of the Guru). Two, peace and the power and connection to Guru jee, it is almost like the only time when I can be the True Gurus daughter, where I can forget all else and feel Him and be the Kaur I claim to be. I cannot see myself growing Spiritually without it. But then, should I wait until I am old enough to not be answerable to anyone? Well, then what about Perseverance?
And How many of these experiences (times in Sangat when I feel spiritually uplifted) will I waste until I really am pulled up? "Suffering pulls people up"- so maybe I need to suffer?
... ... ... ....
And here we see Perseverance Personified-  "I always pray that I would come back again and again endlessly, to serve all beings until Sansaar is empty" ~His Holiness Dalai Lama

And that, by the way, sounds like Shaheedi Faujaan to me LOL!

Please forgive me, I forgot to translate certain terms. Below you can refer to them for your own knowledge and understanding:
Sansaar: the World/ Universe/ Earth (here a reference to all inhabitants of the Earth)
Shaheedi Faujaan: Those pure Souls that are totally enlightened that Akaal Purakh Waheguru (God) readily Liberates them, but they choose to serve the Guru Ghar (House of the Guru) by comming back and forth in this world to serve the Guru and His Children (all beings). They could come as Souls or human flesh and bone. I guess it is to their discretion! Many People say that wherever there is Gurbani (Scriptures) they stay there as souls and do Chaur Sahib (the duty of a whisk bearer who makes sure dirt or insects/flies don't come on Guru jees Saroop) and also do stuff like protecting the righteous people from bad situations, when the victims call upon for Gods help, the Shaheed Singhs (Fauj - faujaan is plural means army) come to serve them for Guru jee...
Charan: Holy Feet
Moh: emotional attachment

Love and Light

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Blame Game

 When I was graduating from St. Josephs' our Principal Sr. gave a Farewell speech, when she asked us a question saying, do you know who is the only person that can stop you from succeeding? Many of us answered God, depends on circumstances, and all sorts of things... but the answer was We, Ourselves.
--> The only person responsible for Success, is the one who Succeeds and likewise for failure!
During the last little while, I kept coming across fragments of ideology revolving around:

"You become a failure, not by failing at something, but by blaming it on others."
and that "Needing encouragement is a weakness"
I think now that if we really need to do something that we believe in, we do not need support or encouragement, and if we really want to do something, we totally can, its just a matter of putting in time and effort. But these are little things that take years to figure, its not like a concept we carry in our psychology. I had times when I thought I am not progressing too much spiritually, because of lack of Support and yet I can claim that I am a pretty empowered woman in that I don't need praise to continue taking steps towards something that is right.

Guru jee says in Gurbani that we all as humans are always seeking our own praise, seeking Sobha (glory/ anticipation and acknowledgment) and that I feel is true, half the things we do are an attempt to gain praise, half the politicians and Celebrities adopt babies, many of us do acts of Seva, just to make a name for ourselves. I do a whole bunch of volunteer projects, but half the time I commit to these things, for some sort of benefit I see in it, for myself and my future, my career or seek fun in these commitments. Hence, I can't call these things Seva, even if I end up making a difference in the world, by means of my work....
  Getting encouragement is good, it really is nice, it keeps you on track with your commitments, but do you really need it? I guess once on this blog I mentioned that I accomplished some of my Goals with Sikhi. I became a total Lacto-Vegetarian ( despite my Anemia), and I wear all my Kakkars, I struggled to keep Kes but now I am doing it, I was blessed with Amrit and that I don't wear a dastaar quite yet and that I am not super at Rehit (Sikh Lifestyle). But there is no blame game here, there was when I first mentioned it, partially because I did not realize that I was to blame for not being determined enough and seeking encouragement was so needy and mean on my part. I felt that I need people to support me, it had to do with Ego. The point is, all the goals that had my determination, were met; we accomplish what we want to if we really want to put in the effort.
I want to now give up the blame game thereby stop feeding my ego and make myself aware of the fact that I am responsible for what does'nt work. I need to become more aware of my tendency to seek sobha, and consciously try to eliminate and work against the need for praise- and praise Guru jee instead, as He is ever beautiful and Glorious!

This Shabad is by Guru Arjan Dev Ji in Raag Kalyaan on Pannaa 1322
kaliaan mehalaa 5
Kalyaan, Fifth Mehla
maerae laalan kee sobhaa
O, the Wondrous Glory of my Beloved!
sadh navathan man rangee sobhaa
My mind is rejuvenated forever by His Wondrous Love.
breham mehaes sidhh mun eindhraa bhagath dhaan jas mangee
Brahma, Shiva, the Siddhas, the silent sages and Indra beg for the charity of His Praise and devotion to Him.
jog giaan dhhiaan saekhanaagai sagal japehi tharangee
Yogis, spiritual teachers, meditators and the thousand-headed serpent all meditate on the Waves of God.
kahu naanak santhan balihaarai jo prabh kae sadh sangee
Says Nanak, I am a sacrifice to the Saints, who are the Eternal Companions of God.

Love and Light!
Guru Fateh

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


Here's a Quote that one of my fav bloggers posted recently, I've gotta say, I'm gonna declare it my all time favorite Quote, as it reminds me of times I'd always cherish and while I was reading it, it triggered in me a reminiscence of the days of my childhood, where we used to travel a lot as a family, and check out the most beautiful and peaceful places on earth and rekindled in me my love for travelling and looking at things as I used to then, you know what I think I was a cool innovative kid, with almost cooler ideology ... Anyways
Thanks to Amber ( one of my fav Photographers, for sharing this!

"We all start out knowing magic. We are born with whirlwinds, forest fires, and comets inside us. We are born able to sing to birds and read the clouds and see out destiny in grains of sand. But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls. We get it churched out, spanked out, washed out, and combed out. We get put in the straight and narrow and told to be responsible. Told to act our age. Told to grow up, for God’s sake. And you know why we’re told that? Because the people doing the telling were afraid of our wilderness and youth, and because the magic we knew made them ashamed and sad at what they allowed to whither in themselves. After you get so far away from it though, you can’t really get it back. You can have seconds of it. Just seconds of knowing and remembering. When people get all weepy at movies, it’s because in that dark theatre, the golden pool of magic is touched, just briefly. Then they come out into the hard sun of logic and reason again and it dries up, and they’re left feeling a little heartsad and not knowing why. For the briefest of instants, you have stepped into the magic realm. The truth of life is that every year we get farther away from the essence that is born within us. We get shouldered with burdens, some of them good, some of them not so good. Things happen to us. Loved ones die. People get in wrecks, and get crippled. It’s not hard to do, in this world of crazy mazes. Life itself does its best to take that memory of magic away from us. You don’t know its happening until one day you feel like you’ve lost something, but you’re not sure what it is. "
-Robert McCammon

I cannot help thinking about this one thing I read somewhere: "In less time than it takes to blink your eye, a lifetime's worth of  kamaaee (Spiritual earning) can be lost with a single action or thought. it can happen to anyone" for a few different reasons. One, Kamaaee is almost a new term for me, to me, I have no spiritual Earnings anyway, I haven't done much of the faithfulness and believing in God in my life (It just started a year and a half ago, as you probably know), but I have always believed in Karma, that all goodness can be undone if you have bad deeds and bad thoughts taking over, Man, it scares me... 
A few days ago, I was thinking about the term "God- Fearing" and denying the existence of fear in faith, I felt that faith is all about love, and if you love God, why'd you fear Him, especially because He is Ultimately forgiving and ultimately Kind.... But now I know why that quite had started to scare me, and how you 'might' fear God, not because He's the harmful being but because He can do anything, based on out Karma, despite His Ultimately and Infinitely Kind Heart...I don't know- interesting thoughts.... but I really don't know
Karma is scary, but it makes us like and value Goodness and good deeds, which definitely is Good........ 

I've been working on the "Thought Crime" (in terms of Vakaars and Maaya) thing I was talking about last time, my conclusion: Guru jee's help always leads to Fateh (victory), like everytime a bad thought comes to my mind, I just pray and thats successful in repelling the most compulsive and persuasive 'bad' thought... all of this---> =)
 I was on the wait list for this one HIV related course, and I was a bit concerned b/c some people had to drop the course in order for me to get in, because of limited spots AND, I prayed, It worked, I am in it for this semester now, along with a course on Disability & Injury and a Statistics course!!!! Yay- this also leads to  =)

I bought some Yoga blocks today, yeah, I am not much of a yogi, just someone who exercises, meditates a bit and breaths long Yogi Breaths (LOL)... but I was looking for these for the longest time, just found some today...Looking forward for getting back to my exercise regime. 

Alright now!
Have a good night you Guys

Love and Light!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Gur Parsaad

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh!

I am a bit late for this but:
Happy New Year to all my super beloved readers! Thank you all for the support and love I've found in you, and through you. Each time somebody stops by and reads my scribbles or leaves me a comment, it really really means a lot to me and it really does help me as well. Plus, like I always say, I am a not so motivated toddler on this path, and so your support helps me... it helps me in many ways to keep going. *Hugs and Thank You..s!*

While it was packing up (late December), to leave us with a new year, 2010 taught me a few things that are worth mentioning! And here we go:

I figured a very good way of motivating myself each day to step up firmly towards my True Guru. So here's the deal, only simple & attainable realistic goals, as in baby steps, because I now know for sure that I only aim at the Guru Charan (Holy Feet of the Guru), not so much else for this life. Basically, recently, I have started feeling disappointed, instead of guilty about having missed my Rehet (Sikh Lifestyle) if I at all did. Partially because I have learnt and accepted that we as humans have no ability to make good decisions towards God, it is the God and the Guru who bless you with faith and make you a "good" sikh, so, the bottom line is, everything thats 'good' about me, can only ever happen by GurParsaad (by the Gurus will and His grace)....
So, here's what I found really works for me: Early morning, as soon as I get up, reading the Daily Hukamnama (on ) in my phone, with the translation and downloading the English Explaination to it by Sukha Singh (I love British accent LOL, but seriously more than that I love my Gurus Hukam and the fact that it is explained in detail and in a language I actually can understand well... So Grateful for that!). It just starts my day right, and I get up thinking about my Isht (Gurbani word for Love for the Guru) and I open my eyes eagerly waiting to see what Guru jee wants to tell me, and the cool part is, it always pertains to me, in the situation and mindset I am in... and then I go on with my day, even if I have to rush to work / school and can only listen to the 5 Bania da Nitnem on my phone music player, and not do it like I'd like to, I feel like I am in the right consciousness...
And, about good goals that are attainable and realistic, with the help of a friend, I've figured that the best goal at this point is making sure I do my evening Nitnem every single day nicely, reading from the Gutka Sahib, ratehr than trying to make it all work and end up disappointed... baby steps to the next rung of the ladder. It seems that I've started feeling bad about just listening to Nitnem and not doing an ardaas and making it real (full of feeling every word I hear/ read), so here's how I am making changes to make myself feel better about it all...
So far, it works, feels great! I feel like I can manage this goal, its like 1 bite at a time, and so, once I attain perfect regularity and sincerity by the evening Nitnem, I will be able to make a sincere effort for the Morning Nitnem as well, and I just want to make it more legit and sincere via doing it properly (sit and read with love in your heart kinda thing), I will certainly be able to, if GurParsaad happens! Plus doing an Ardaas each day, makes you closer to Guru jee, just by getting to have that dialogue with Him and crying for Rehet and regularity & sincerity in Nitnem.... Besides, I know Guru Jee will never ever ever ever ever let go of me... He will never let me fall off this cliff......... Right! 

One day, I found myself being tempted by what I'd call "thought crime", basically I was letting myself loose and letting my vakars (the Gurbani word for the 5 vices- Ego, Desire, Attachment, Anger, greed) corrupt my mind. Basically, I get up in desires, and it ends up putting me in the lap of Maaya (Sources of Detachment from God) and lets face it, Maaya just plain and simple hurts. It hurts the crap out of me... It makes me feel like a failure in being my Gurus Daughter and Akaal Purakhs (God) Soul Bride. I feel like a deceitful bride, who goes out and looks at others, while leaving behind the Ultimate Man ever- the Akaal (One Immortal, Supreme). I don't know! Wow, simply put, it leads me to a path that I know is gonna get me in shit....(LOL).
So, once again, during my Kirtan Sohila one night, I was too distracted, and the thought sprung in my mind:
My bliss is in my Gurus Charan, there is no reason for me to take refuge in maaya to attain my bliss, for one, the bliss reached via maaya is super temporary & when it ends it only throws you down... it lasts just a few seconds, and results in disappointments and guilt for longer than the brief time of bliss... But the feeling of bliss, attained by simple things like one session of Sangat or one time of Nitnem almost lasts forever, I can still recall the days when I successfully completed my Nitnem and feel the same bliss in my heart and mind as I recall... and heres Maaya and the corrupted mind, with nothing good to offer, just the temporary pleasure together with endless pain... How does it ever compare to the Bliss in Guru Charan as the Gurus Suhagan (Soul Bride who is completely colored in His Love, immersed in the constant Prema Bhagti- worship of her true love)... ??? How can it ever beat the bliss at my Guru's charan?

See, when I started in this path (and maybe even remotely till this day), I was/ am the most skeptic person. It is like, I started with those moments of bliss I experienced when I went to Sangat (the Gurudwara) 'just to check it out', to make sure my baby brother was safe in his newest addiction... the bliss that I felt when I first let the sound of Kirtan penetrate into my ears, and cried uncontrollably for no reason at all, and just took a flight to 'who I'd want to see myself as...' in those moments and felt something... I needed to take Amrit, even though, I knew I was gonna fail miserably at keeping the Rehet (Sikh Code of Conduct), I knew nothing buddy.... but I guess what I knew was that those tears had a reason and that I had to make myself believe... I am still a skeptic, but after a year and a half, I think I am closer to the door of this prison of Skepticism, I am about to be released, I have started contemplating the freedom at the Guru's charan, despite the fact that so far, I was just tricking myself into believing that there is such thing as the Guru and the God... because I was so desperate for that Bliss, I was seeking to find those few moments again and again, still stably sitting in the prison of my disbelief and faithlessness. And now, I am ready.... ready to start taking steps towards the Guru and not just those moments of 'free cheese'- that pure bliss, that pure immersion, that pure surrender... and maybe even those tears.... tears that express pain for being the Duhagan (deceitful soul bride who is detached from Her Akaal Love). I think, if you've been reading my blog, you know that tears are probably the one thing that connect me to Guru jee and all my Gurus love stories start with teary moments... Now you know why? because these were my drive towards this path along with the bliss in Kirtan, somehow these are my connection, I am aware that this is all the more ridiculous sounding, but its the truth, despite all the disbelief and skepticism....
 I so want to start trying, believing and taking discrete steps towards my Guru and the Akaal Purakh Waheguru ....
This realization as well, comes from the Guru Kirpa, His grace and His blessing... Gur Parsaad

Love and Light

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh...

Alright! so, I took some pictures during the holidays that I guess I could share

Oooohhh that Salad Man, I think I'm a salad lover, you know in vegetable salads, I like cranberries and in these ones with beans and peas, I like peanuts and Banana Chips, I dunno would that make me crazy??? BTW, this was my Christmas Lunch LOL! I know you spat that word out- Man I'm not a loner, I just like to not party on the days when I am working my butt off as an Elf for the company I work at! For Promotions and advertising reasons, I was busy the entire holiday season making and sending out greetings from the company to all clients and literally the entire city LOL, so yeah, don't you call me a loner ='(
I guess, even the pea loves the Olive, LOL so why can't I love Guru jee so much to be stuck in His charan !?!                                                             Okay, so seriously, the peas have some sort of static attraction to olives, I'm serious, check it out for yourself.... don't laugh at my miserable caption, its okay, I know I don't have the creativity for fun humor or better analogies for that matter... or maybe I do.... well, you'll soon find out!

 Okay, now here's the one that the Hospital might fire me for! LOL, I took a broken X-mas tree ornament, and clicked this against the tree in depth of field, but guess what, that was totally unprofessional at work Plus I realized later that I might be on camera, doing my Photoshoot of the tree (No, do NOT call me a Loser dude/ doodle) .... Passionate souls forget the rules! LOL!!! Okay so that was a bit of humor after the tears!

                                         ByTheWay, DO NOT FORGET TO HAVE FUN in 2011!