Being the follower, not the leader!

Heyo everyone!
Waheguru Ji ka Khalsa Waheguru ji

so Yesterday,Last night, Today....was all a pure blessing again!
too much work to finish in too little time, but its all set now (including the project thats due tomorrow, it has been killing me for weeks now!)... at least for now.....

Somehow, I talked to someone yesterday about the fact that I am so lost and scrambled...that I have even lost a concept and a vision of what I am trying to do here on this path...and he pointed out something that I already knew, but it was interesting to see me react to it....apparently, I always knew that I took huge leaps when I was not even in a position to toddle on this path... I took Amrit as if it were a joke and as if its not such a big deal.... I always knew this, but I still have a hard time confronting it to myself....
Baby steps, why didn't I think of those back then? there are some factors:
I didn't know about anything back then, Sikhi was like a new culture I started surrounding myself into, I liked and I thought that was enough to take Amrit... It was like A culture shock thing, a Mini skirt, artificially put Straight hair Sim wanted to look into owning her original form, original name, and everything that name would mean to her....Sim was trying to become Harsimran... and that was all I know
I have no regrets whatsoever, but the only one- that I was too immature to understand what sikhi meant and I made Amrit feel and sound very insignificant, I did not accept death, I did not give my head to the Guru....I didn't even try to see clearly who the Guru was.... but I just felt the love which I wanted to submit to....
But thats all fine...I am not dying that I can't mend things... and thats the point, I wanna get to know Guru ji more, I wanna feel freedom in surrender and in bowing to Him,...and sooner or later I will...But I cannot in any case put my back towards this power, this love this Path.... I have built up this guilt within myself that is killing me slowly... leaving me confused and blinding my vision....

Alright so I was thinking (remember, I have insomnia!) all night, and listening to Ik Ardaas Bhaat Kirat ki over and over again...and things happened...
on my iPod I went on facebook and got into a debate with some people who were judging others' for not being good Singhs/ Kaurs by cutting their hair and stuff... I just had to stand up, against them, b/c I don't think that any of us can judge someones 'Sikhi status', only God or the Guru can tell who is a Sikh and who is not!
But anyways, the point is that I did not wanna win a debate , what made me feel so good is that I for once in my Lifetime, I did not get super angry and smash peoples' faces with swear words.... WOW,,,, that's a Big deal for me.... I can't believe my own words now when I think about it...
And not only that, but when someone accused me of being a haircut non sikh (when I am not!), I did not wanna defend myself at all..... that is totally out of the roof of being myself....when People hurt my Ego I act like a total Idiot.... but I felt like I'd be wasting my time...and that I should do better things instead...
So I got right up, took a shower and started doing my Nitnem at like 3:30 am, that was cool, because I don't do it that early very often....
It totally taught me so many things
Some of them are:  I realized earlier during the day that I am in tight grip of Maya, because of which I live in a constant denial of the fact that I am the one responsible for scrambling my situation .... but a mixture of Ego and Love for Guru ji keeps me going even though I am not doing much to improve my situation! I realized that It is my ego that makes me think I need to win, if I back up on this path I will loose the race that I started when I first took Amrit, opposing my mom...I think I am egotistically attached to the idea that I Never make mistakes, and now I cannot slow down and take baby steps towards the Guru because I don't wanna lose the race at the hands of my own people! Boy, Who does that? I can't believe I am doing this, somewhere deep inside....how Lame I can be............
Wow!
But now, after the Ik ardaas Bhaat Kirat Ki "therapy" and nice and proper Nitnem, I feel like myself again....the whole Idea that ....Whoa I've lost a concept of who I am and blah blah and stuff like I wanna do Devotion (even if I don't feel devotion)  for the wrong and crazy reasons, ... the entire idea and the entire cloud of 'that stuff' is not surrounding my head anymore..... I can take things down my throat one bite at a time.....
and that is what I am gonna do....
So basically Guru ji went through the process of acceptance and not not taking shortcomings as defeat with me, and held my hand through the process....and He just made me his own....
he taught me a lesson for life.... I spend too much time and energy being this Anger-ster or Angerista (I like these words !!!) I need to take it easy..... and now that feels easy too!
How do you take insult? well, Leave that I don't even know If I feel insulted....

Anyways! I took some pictures of the burning clouds as the Sun rose this morning..... but I am at school right now, so I'll share them with you once I'm at home with my camera and cards!

Thanks so much for reading!
Love and Light!

I think I sound like a total idiot, who's always crying, but I promise I'm much cooler than that!
=P

Sat nam!!!
Guru Fateh!

=)

ਹਮ ਅਵਗੁਣਿ ਭਰੇ ਏਕੁ ਗੁਣੁ
ਨਾਹੀ ਅੰਮ੍ਰਿਤੁ ਛਾਡਿ ਬਿਖੈ ਬਿਖੁ ਖਾਈ ॥
ਮਾਯਾ ਮੋਹ ਭਰਮ ਪੈ ਭੂਲੇ ਸੁਤ ਦਾਰਾ ਸਿਉ ਪ੍ਰੀਤਿ ਲਗਾਈ ॥
ਇਕੁ ਉਤਮ ਪੰਥੁ ਸੁਨਿਓ ਗੁਰ ਸੰਗਤਿ ਤਿਹ ਮਿਲੰਤ ਜਮ ਤ੍ਰਾਸ ਮਿਟਾਈ ॥ ...ਇਕ ਅਰਦਾਸਿ ਭਾਟ ਕੀਰਤਿ ਕੀ ਗੁਰ
ਰਾਮਦਾਸ ਰਾਖਹੁ ਸਰਣਾਈ ॥੪॥੫੮॥

I am overflowing with sins and demerits; I have no merits or virtues at all. I abandoned the Ambrosial Nectar, and I drank poison instead.
I am attached to Maya, and deluded by doubt; I have fallen in love with my children and spouse.
I have heard that the most exalted Path of all is the Sangat, the Guru's Congregation. Joining it, the fear of death is taken away.
Keerat the poet offers this one prayer: O Guru Raam Daas, save me! Take me into Your Sanctuary! ||4||58||