A few Nights ago, in my Guru Granth Sahib jee Maharaaj Santhya (pronunciation & recitation training) class, I got an answer of my Question, on the feet of the Guru......
Remember i said, (like some posts ago) that I am having a hard time keeping Kes (intact- uncut Hair), and I wanna continue on this path, but somewhere, I see myself falling and breaking down......
We read this line where Guru jee says that once your feet slip from this path, you return to the 8.4 million life times of tests.....
also, a coin without Stamp (khota Sikka) will be returned and carries no value.....
In I guess, last weeks class, we suddenly started talking about Life, based on what we were reading....(I can't quite recall the exact lines, but really, When I read again, I'd remember this whole story!) and how we are almost as if falling off a tree, and holding a branch of that tree, we as victims of Maya, are happy to atleast have held the branch, and try to climb back up, but then suddenly, from a bee hive on a branch above, we see honey dropping down towards us in our mouths, and that's the moment where our mouth starts watering, forgetting all about climbing back up...and we take our time tasting the honey, when we forget where we really are..... and once our mind gets over with that one moment of the taste of Honey (Maya), it starts worrying again, and looks at the two, a white and a black mouse, that have been biting through the branch we are holding, then we see down below us, where there is an alligators open mouth , waiting for us to fall into!
I don't quite know what this story was all about, or lets say I kinda get it, but theres more to it....
I get some stuff :
the black and the white mice are Day and Night, shortening and cutting down our lives,
We are stuck between the falling branch and the alligator, waiting to eat us.... i.e., we are being tested here on earth, and you never know when it all ends,
But, we still are involved in tasting Honey, as in Maya (things that distract us from God, and Liberation here in this story!)
I feel like I am that Coin whose stamp has rubbed of, I cant seem to find myself, and hence carry no value...but then looking at all I've gotten in this path, If God and Guru jee were just to return me back, they'd just not bless me with ALL this..... there's a lot, you know, that I've been given....
Almost like an endless list of blessings!
I have a hard time believing that someone who Loves us unconditionally, will wanna test us... but I'd accept! I'd accept that one needs to pass the test...
but here's the thing... I'm happy, I;m happy with what I am and what I've got!
I've had days where God and the Guru saves me from the mouth of the alligator, like a real movie scene, God (My beloved), comes, and gives me His hand, and helps me climb back up....
twice through this week.....
I'm tellin ya! It really happened,
Once, a few days ago, when I was getting my sister to do my pedicure, I was talking to her about being free from body hair, I was talking to her about how nasty armpit hair feel, and that I wanna be able to wear all my dresses, and deep inside I was just about to borrow her wax/ shaver from her, but it never came on my lips.....something held me back.... It was like my mind and my soul going in the opposite directions....my Soul resisted...
In fact this time around, there was no resistance from my family, from my career, from anything at all, but myself....my Soul...
I don't wanna be living to wear, I wanna wear to live and nothing else....and hence, what I dress in should not determine what I wanna do with my life....(and same can apply to eating meat or drinking alcohol for other people...)
Oh and the second time, was today actually! Wow... its not a coincidence....it just can't be baseless...
wow....now I'm thinking about it and there's so much more to it Man! I can't even believe it...
Wow! Alright, so I do like a little Kaurs mentorship program with some members of the local Sangat, I am a mentor, but you know for a fact that I'm not anything like a mentor, I am myself super unmotivated half the time, Lets just say, b/c I am older I plan events, I certainly can't inspire and Mentor in the real sense, but I've told everyone already that I am doing this to grow in my own Spiritual endeavors. But I always find the Kaurs full of experience and love for the Guru.... I often see them doing much better in their spiritual lives and hence inspiring me constantly! I love being with them, learning from them and growing....but guess what, They are my mentors in so many ways....I often try to get their point of views, rather than pinning mine down on the table.... I guess, that feels like my duty, making sure I am inclusive of all and everyone feels a like a big part of this little family (Kaurs group of Course!) Well, so my story, Um...Ok! yeah! so, we were hanging out, and chilling at my house, totally unplanned, (after changed plans I mean) and I was unmotivated to flesh and bone....I din't have anything to give to the girls.....but at the end of the day they gave me so much....I can never thank them enough....I guess you can never thank Gursikhs enough.....that's probably why Gurbani says we should want their charan dhoor (dust of their feet)... alright, so when we were done chilling and playing games, we did our reharaas Sahib together...it was totally refreshing and almost reshaping my motivation and devotion....and then during the Ardas, we all stood together in a line, and prayed to be blessed with Gursikhi and Amrit vela meditations.....at some point in the beginning of the ardas, my soul told me something, and I stepped back, I felt that I did not deserve to stand in the same line as these little angels that are proud of being Guru Gobind Singh Ji's daughters.... and look at me! Oh Boy! I don't even like being what He made me like... I pierce my body, and totally can't stand body hair... almost at a verge of shaving off my body...and I am here in the lap of the Guru....Man! God's one forgiving thing! He's way too forgiving....and I stepped back...I did not see myself at the same level as them... And then, as I usually see myself doing, feeling every word of the Ardas, bowing to all the Gurus, feeling Guru Nanak Dev ji's thing...Angad te Gur Amardas (in the kind compassionate love of Guru Angad dev ji and Guru Amardass Ji maharaaj), Ramdasey Hoye Sahai... (in the Saran- feet of Guru Raam Das ji...) then bringing to my mind the Sacrifice of Guru Arjan dev ji maharaaj, and then feeling the feet of Guru Hargobind ji Maharaaj and the Healing touch of Guru Harkrishan ji! then keeping in mind the determination and devotion of Guru Teg Bahadur Sahib and Guru Gobind Singh ji maharaaj! Our Father!
Pritham Bhagautee simar kay Guru Naanak Lay dhiaaay
Fir Angad Gur tay Amar Das Ramdas-ay hoay sahai
Arjun Hargobind No simaro Siri Har Rai
Siri Har Krishan Dhiaaee-ai jis dithay sabh dukh jaa-ay
Tegh Bahadur Simaree-ai ghar nau nidh aavay dhaay
Sabh thaaee hoay sahaai
Dasvaan paatishah
Siri Guru Gobind Singh sahib jee sabh thaaee ho-ay sahai
Dhan Dhan Siri Guru Grath Sahib Jee,
Day Paath deedaar daa dhiaan dhar kay
Translation: After first worshipping the Adi Shakti, the Primal Power,
Meditate On Guru Nanak, then Guru Angad,
Guru Amar Das and Guru Raam Das, the fountain of eternal peace.
Meditate on Guru Arjun, Guru Hargobind, and Guru Har Rai.
Meditate on Siri Guru Har Krishan, and all your sufferings shall vanish.
Meditate on Guru Tegh Bahadur, and the nine treasures shall come running to you.
Great, great is the Tenth Master, Guru Gobind Singh, through whom all places are in peace.
The light of the Ten Gurus, the Siri Guru Granth Sahib Ji,
Hail hail the Siri Guru Granth Sahib, the light of the ten gurus,
Whose words are jewels of meditation.
AND tears rolled down my cheeks, they always do, in Ardas, its not a new thing to me....but today's tears were begging....begging from God the blessing of Amrit vela meditations....I felt more longing than ever before.... Ummm...Or lemme say this was one of those...that attracted me to Sikhi initially, like a year ago....
But that's not all.... I really wanna start doing something about this Failure I am as a Sikh.....
And yes I gave up the idea of getting rid of my hair, for now.... but Guru jee is funny, he's shown me that without the Lifestyle (Nitnem) I'll be a day to day Sikh, and I'd struggle between longing for it....Something tells me, I need Nitnem to feel like a good Sikh...I need that lifestyle to be waht I wanna be....
Man! Am I wanting to be an Emergency Surgeon here? That feels easier Seriously..HAHA!
And this instability is only in my spiritual life, and I am totally certain in other aspects of life, Its like I just know! I know what I wanna do in terms of career, not just one thing, but I know shear details of everything I wanna do, including the Home I'd build when I grow up....Like the funny detailed "I know myself so well!"....but I'm here after so much resistance from myself, to admit my flaws in terms of this spirituality I've found in me....this confused but confident faith on a supreme power.....I have it in me...I don't need to fear my own confusion and un-clarity of intention....I love Guru jee, and that's the bottom line...
I'm glad that I could say that out! HA! It feels lighter inside....
You know! as a child I always used to wanna have God as my friend, I've switched my faith like crazy # of times, but now, Sikhi makes me feel so complete and filled, I feel like I an getting it all in one package, I'm getting it all.....Its all one and the same to me now....
So yeah as a Kid, I wanted to feel God, as if He was a person, and always there for me...and when I'd close my door, I could say it all to Him, as if He'd be my own personalized GOD...I dunno- like the shoulder I'd cry on, and the one who'd love me for who I am, with no conditions of His own!
But then is Rehat (Code of Conduct of a Sikh) a list of Conditions I have to follow to love Guru jee?
I guess I still need some questions answered....
Hey You wanna know something....I feel like I'm in fresh love with my family....I feel like myself again...and Like I said a few days ago, I was isolating myself for the past one year, more than needed, and now, I wanna give love...I've taken wayyyy toooo much...
*****
You know, I was reviewing my post, and I think I forgot to tell you this real cool incidence that happened with me a while ago, I was in US, for a Nagar Kirtan procession, and I guess the people were singing a Dasam Bani Shabad, and I was walking bare footed (I could not see myself walking after the Guru ji's Palki, with my shoes on...doesn't feel right to me..) and Looking down at the road under my feet, I had a little Teary moment (hahaha, I guess my Journey as I always share here, is always teary!) anyways! so that moment was a realization, of what I was trying to do as a Sikh.... I was, as if walking on a road where I could see blood, dead bodies of young sons of Guru Gobind Singh ji....and people who sacrificed everything they had, for walking here...on this road, on this Path! and that is where I wanna walk...do I? I'm no longer trying to attain perfection here....but I need to start to appreciate the Bhanna (Gods will!) and it really has a lot of weight, it will be the only thing unchanged over time, and then we all just have to work out way through it...and that too...with GRACE!
Thanks for reading my post!
I feel so much better after having shared this...Thank You!
Love and light!
Sat Nam!
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