Last week:
A lot of things are stirring up within me. A lot of old and not so old memories, feelings, ideas are surfacing.
I unexpectedly wrote a poem one night in my daily journal (even though the day was quite a normal, fine day for me) and just like every single one of my poems & songs, this one came with a lot of tears and feelings that I didn't even know existed inside me... Oh so much pain and hurt... I even titled it "OMG did I just write that!?!" for now, cause I'm surprised at the amount of hate and hurt I was carrying on my shoulders, so much pain which it came from and drowned into... Well, for now it's a secret composition, and it will remain in my personal journal until I'm ready. (unlike those Love of my life poems that everyone has heard me sing at various occasions). So much realization, such a huge release!
I've had so many moments this past week, when I felt that I am becoming just a reflection of all the pain and resentment I have within me for people. Things are rough, they're rough in everyones lives. I'm no exception. But NOW I've started to 'realize that the other person is you [me]'. With every resentful gesture/ statement/ idea that springs in my mind, against anyone (and particularly those of my loved ones who have discouraged me on my path towards Pita Ji Maharaaj's Charan Kamal) that springs up in my mind, The words of Yogi Bhajan, "Recognize that the other person is you" ring in my ears... and instantly I know that everyone is just mirroring my actions/ feelings/ hate back towards me and vice versa. I realize & recognize my blazing ego, my lack of forgiving ability, my lack of faith in the idea that "sab meh jot, jot hai soi: The same Light pervades all". The challenging part is to forgive completely, love unconditionally and let go of all that did not come about directly from that Light- the Jot of God and the Guru.
The more I realize, the more I feel the need to change it, and with that burning need to change, I fall again. Then through a Hukamnammah one morning, Guru Ji told me that we have so much filth from the millions of past life, that a human like me has no power to cure/ kill these vices or anxiety. The only way for me to actually get rid of my anxiety is to give it to Guru Ji- Only He has the power to heal the pain, help me forgive and let go.
Wow, realized that surrender is the ultimate path towards healing.
I've always felt that every single thing that is hard on me, or is not working out in my life at this point will work out once I surrender completely to the true Guru's Charan Kamal, I've seen this working in so many peoples lives, that I'm certain. I've seen it working in my own life to some extent (with my compulsive nail biting habit LOL, which is now a thing of the past). And I know I'm not the best lover of Guru Ji. I don't surrender every day & every breath of my life at His Charan Kamal. When we love someone, we should be ready to give up everything for them- which is what I wanna willingly do for Guru Ji. And I know that I will commit so completely, at a time that Guru Ji has determined.... but I know that the time is coming, its gonna happen very soon. My whole system, my life is pushing me into realization, in every breath there's so much urge and so much longing, but at this point I don't feel as committed as I would like to.
****
And now, as of today, I know that I am committed to Guru Ji Charan Kamal, so completely that things have started to change within a matter of days. I've started a new Sadhna. A new meditation+ Simran + Nitnem regime at Amrit vela, which I hope to God helps me get there. I hope this gets me super close to Pita Ji's Charan Kamal, that place of completely blissful surrender where I've felt so much at home, so much at peace that no other state of being satisfies me. I've been there on and off, once in a while in meditation. I need to be there in my eternal abode that balanced polarity within me, from where I CAN love so completely, Live so freely and sing/ laugh so openly.
It's working so far, and I want it to never be disrupted. I want this regime to only become deeper and better, I cannot afford for it to stop. Now that there is s sense of discipline & structural practice in place, nothing can fall apart =)
I've felt a change in my consciousness almost as soon as the sadhna regime started.
Interesting!
The eternal supreme healer is working upon my severed soul.
And I am ever so grateful to the supreme almighty God & the Guru
May you be eternally blessed
May you be eternally blissful
Have a good rest of the week guys!
Whageuru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh =)
Love
H. Kaur
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