"too religious"? What the !?!

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh ♥


It exam season, and this week I have 3 exams back to back with only a couple of hours b/w each one. I'm so cray that I didn't get anything rescheduled... well, cause I thought I can make it- and Yeah, its challenging but I will survive =P 
So, basically, I should be buried in my books right now, but I just wanna write briefly....

Here's the deal, I've been writing for the past few weeks, and every time I type out my thoughts, and am ready to publish them, I change my mind and put them in my private journal instead of here (my public journal aka this blog). Why??? I dunno! But I have some ideas... ok so in plain words, I think I'm becoming too uptight about sharing spiritual defeat as well as sharing spiritual victories.... any spiritual experiences. Weird, right?...

Ok anyways! today I wanted to write about the term "religious", basically for some reason, I'm so uncomfortable using this term and being labelled as religious... I don't even know why....
but this past week a few of my discourses with people have made me think that I have slowly become religious- maybe even too religious LOL... even though I started out as being "Spiritual". I always thought that I wasn't religious, I was just spiritual. I wasn't a sikh, I was just in a relationship with Guru Ji and Akaal Purakh Vaheguru...
Then I slowly started thinking that I am a Sikh, but by means of my relationship with Guru Ji, not by means of "religiosity". Interesting, right?
Well, I guess it all sits in how you define Religion...
Initially I thought Religion was a set of beliefs and the rules that people follow as a result of those beliefs...
Now I think religion differs between individual to individual, its almost like my religious path is my custom might be some derivation of a shared set of ideas that constitute a 'religion' (Sikhi) at a socio-population level...
OMG... this stuff is getting so complicated... (see- too religious!!! my mind just said: Why am I even bothered, I should go do Simran buddy!)

Here's the thing that concerns me- I tread on the path of spirituality, with my relationship with Guru Ji- Its a relationship, not a religion... I never planned to be blessed with Dastaar (turban) for example, it just came my way... more like I didn't walk on the path with a set of rules to follow/followed any rules to begin with, I was just freestyle dancing into the realms of spirituality.... but slowly, I don't know when and why, I started to fall in love, more and more and was blessed with certain tides of time in my purely spiritual relationship with Guru Ji, that had me start to embrace all that He said, and all that He lived by- which to some is "Religion". Fair enough!... Well, then why should that concern me? 
Well, I don't know. I think that spirituality encompasses religion- it kinda becomes religion at some point. It kinda just moulds your mind and heart to blend in with your soul and become ONE with everything- religion included!
And the power of all this scares me. Its not so much about being labelled 'religious', but the fact that sometimes religion can pick you and make you step aside, outside of that ONE fold idea of Spirituality, that  I was attracted to at the first place. Its like spirituality (& meditation) results a union of your mind and body with your soul- a strictly spiritual entity- which makes you ONE with everything - the universe and everything above & beyond. And then comes religion- almost like a Ridhi-Sidhi (mystical power), which you need to use very wisely, in order to stay in the "ONE" and not come out with the Ego of being a 'something' (a "sikh" for example)... so I guess I'm saying that I'm scared of "religious ego", not being religious itself... and you can put them neatly in different compartments of your brain. You can be proud to be who you are, and then (if ego does take charge- or you let it...) you can be egotistical about your identity as a Sikh, for example which of course, defeats the purpose of being a Sikh at the first place... You've gotta humble yourself to become Guru-wala, you've gotta be a follower, not a leader (in that aspect of your being)...

Wow- this was a cool write-up, since- sometimes, writing everything that's on your mind helps you figure what your real issue is and draw a permissible conclusion(s)...

So I think, perhaps I'm scared of having a 'religious ego'... I guess I felt that when I first started tying a dastaar, I found my mind pondering something along the lines of.... "If you are to become the dust of everyones feet, then why would you wanna have a 'crown'? Isn't it an egotistical thing to feel like you are royalty"
And I still wore a huge dastaar, telling myself that I am Royalty, because of my Pita Ji Sri Guru Gobind Singh Ji Maharaaj, I am royalty, by means of His greatness, not my own 'royal-ness/ royal-blood' (I know its not applicable to me LOL, but you know what I mean?)  
I don't like how the idea that 'our Dastaars are our crown' sound, but I don't dislike it either, cause I feel that I am Pita Ji Maharaaj's Family, His daughter... but a daughter who needs to serve all beings in order to Have His Darshan.  
Its like walking upon a wall cautiously and carefully, until you fall into His blissful arms, and if you don't humbly serve while you walk through life, you shall not have Him waiting with His arms wide open, at the end of your life/ wall, and you'd fall on your face =(
Well, that as well, doesn't sit in my head as something I'm scared of (I am weary of it, but it doesn't scare me at all)...
BECAUSE, I truly believe in Pita Ji's Kirpa... I truly know for a fact that Pita Ji will never ever let go of me... He will never give up on me, AND He'll always be there waiting for me with His arms wide open.
See my head is a mess- but A BEAUTIFUL MESS =)

Oh and He adores me He loves me soooo much (See I'm not cocky about God's love for me- I'm just so sure that He is, cause He says in Gurbani that HE is Ang-sang, all the time... ).... I just really wish to please Him and have Him do some tiny amount of Kirpa =P 

He adores me, but for the last few weeks I've been reflecting on how God's love is oh so amazing and unconditional, and How He and His love never fails me, while I fail Him all the time. My love for Him is not even a teeny infinitesimal piece off of His. Quantitatively & qualitatively, perhaps my love is a fail =( But Oh God ... God's my super amazing man and I'm His feeble minded not so amazing girl.

You know what, I lost one of my stud ear-rings, and then I thought maybe this is a sign from Pita Ji Maharaaj that I should give up on having an ear-piercing... Isn't that too religious? (I have an ear-piercing, and I like wearing studs- that's disobedience of the Guru, but as a spiritual person, I used to condemn myself from thinking that there are rules of religion that I need to follow...) Now, perhaps I'm starting to embrace that rule with my Khushi (happiness) and not as a rule of the religion, just like the blessing (not rule) of Dastaar came to me 3 months ago. Also, someone was asking me about Bajjar Kurehits- and from our discourse, I drew that I'm probably too strict with the 4 categories- Like I include so many things in each- so that made me question if I was too religious- but I think thats cool- as long as I don't let myself fall into ego of being a certain way, I'm okay. But seriously, I can't shrink my list of "principles" just because it might seem too much to some people... And also, Rehit is Rehit nothing less, nothing more. It needs to be followed the exact way that the Panj Piyaarey  in Pita Ji Maharaaj's Hazoori tell you, mistakes & disruptions are permissible, and so is forgiveness, but why in the world did I think even for one moment, that I was being "too religious". Gosh! my mind is such a kadhu (pumpkin LOL- yes I don't use words that put me down)! Nom Nom Nom Nom....

Anyways, I'll go study now =)

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Wahgeuru Ji Ki Fateh
PS. On Friday, it was such a close call- I was gonna b late for my presentation, but guess what, God loves me soooo much- He literally adores me. He tricked the world into waiting for me without making anyone realize that I was missing! A different group presented their paper first! God How am I ever gonna thank you enough? You always keep my honour. I freaking love you to death ♥
PPS. OH!!! did I mention, this AMAZING website (& phone app) called Sikh FAQ's?
Man, you must check it out, I think that the answers are sometimes too strict, for my current level of practice of Sikhi, but usually they are amazing, in fact- super amazing & super-inspiring. I'd totally recommend anyone to read everything on this website/app to increase your knowledge of Gurmat-  the website is: http://www.sikhanswers.com/   I've got the android app for it and I think I'm so addicted to reading that stuff, sometimes I'll be in the bus reading their posts. 
Ok, over n out now!
*Love n Light* ♥ *Hugs n Prayers*