Today, I was down to tears!
and not just once, but twice!
Here are the reasons/events b/c of which I was down to tears:
1) an idiot cheeky kid like me gets the chance to formally (finally in real) learn Guru Granth Sahib jee Maharaaj Santhya...... U know what I think Its a joke!
there is so much I get, that I clearly do NOT deserve....Guru jee loves me wayyyy too much, I cant even love Him back, without getting caught up in Maya and in stuff that holds me back ..... I'm a bloody sloth...I don't even get up at Amrit vela anymore....and here I am, still being pampered and loved by Guru jee... I even failed at my attempt to start wearing a Dastaar full time, I just couldn't oppose my Parents anymore, I was so caught up in Moh and still, Guru jee din't stop and Curse me.......I don't even know what is going on anymore...... How can someone (Guru jee) love ME this much
2) It almost feels like I am being judgmental and just a BAD kid for someone super close to me.... I don't know, I cant help it, I think I am judging her and holding it against her, when I am aware that I shouldn't....Why do we tend to do that..???
but from these stories, (that lead to me being evil towards this person) is that when you have too much to be proud of....and when you only like to compare the Money you earn to that of others', you loose them. I guess I am mad at her, coz I don't want her to loose her family in the process of telling them that they live on her mercy, and that they are where they are and enjoying the comforts b/c she earns so much for them.... I don't know.... in a way I am wrong.... I am being Judgmental...but as a friend and well-wisher I know that this is harmful for the mental health of those who live with her... b/c actually, if your partner really loves you, you don't make them realize that they are living and eating b/c you earn for them, you do everything b/c of the mutual love......and in actual nothing happens b/c of a person's efforts, everything that happens, happens b/c God does it all..... I don't wanna see my friend suffering at the end ...I want her to realize before it is too late, and before her spouse leaves her or just gets too frustrated at life.... I love her, I don't want her and her spouse to suffer, and really, all this is only making him feel useless, when he has endless potential ='(
I should do an Ardaas for her....and I should not be evil by judging her....
BUT, I realize that sometimes in life we get so stubborn that we can let go all our relationships, but not Maya and pride....... we all are a subject of HAUMEY (pride) ...we all have a tendency to judge and do bad stuff.....
but where does it take us?
At the end, only God knows it all, and Life, from the Human perspective, is only uncertain, you never know where you will be tomorrow, the money will all go away one day and you'll be left with only your soul..... AND as of right now, my soul is only restless, it is hungry and needy.....it is insecure, it knows it belongs to GOD, but the layers of Maya that I have decked it into, for the past 20 years of my present life, and numerous of unknown lifetimes, has totally shattered it, even when it wants to see the light of God, the layers of Maya stop its way....like clouds hide the shiny Sun behind them.....
Way to go! Unconditional love doesn't curse, it gives you encouragement - and that's what you got! You'll be wearing the K's and dastaar fulltime in the future, I'm sure, let it take time. I recently learnt a lesson about judgement; it's a part of Maya and will be there as long as I'm on the path towards realizing unconditional love. But judgement has an important message if you accept it as a part of you. It tells you about what you yourself fear to be judged on and opens you up to compassion. :)
ReplyDeleteOh Wow!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the insight! I see what you mean...I actually totally agree that judgment tells you about what you'd fear being judged as.... This reminds me, that I once read somewhere that if you are accepting a new path (like Sikhi, for us!) see others who follow it already, and see what you think about them, check if you have any negative judgments about the seekers of that path...and then make your decision accordingly...
It was interesting for me, b/c I often wonder b/w the do's and dont's and think if I really wanna do what I am doing.....
Oh and thank you so much for your Encouraging words.... I actually already wear the 5 K's (since exactly 1 year as of today =) but I was a good rebel then than now... I wear a scarf kinda thing on my head, but not a turban, and I started like a week ago, and my MOM hated it, so I thought that till I live with my parents, I'll just live the way I do, once I grow up and move out...I'll do whatever I wanna do! Well, I just know that God has thought something good for me....
Thanks so much for the comments. I really enjoy them!
H.