Blessed <--> deserved?

just as the title suggests, I wanted to talk about the imbalance in deserving and having been blessed with!


Today, me and my brother, have completed one full year of having taken (being blessed with) Amrit, its 31 May! It is the day when I first realized that I could actually take Amrit, and that, no matter what others might say, I know I never deserved it.... I know that I don't really do everything I am supposed to do as an Amritdhari Sikh, I know that I never did it all perfectly, not even for a day, or for a moment for that matter!

It however is not a day to count my follies.....it is a day to rejoice the fact that I gathered the courage.....even if I only do devotional stuff, and do NOT feel it all! Even if, I still do not think keeping hair is a great idea in itself, but I'd like to keep it, b/c something in me says that Guru jee can't be pointless in what He says! Even if I do Not get up at Amrit vela often enough, to feel what I wanted to feel as a Sikh....

I know where I am, and why I am there..... The actual point here is, that I was never devoted enough to rise and shine! Determination is the key.....but I can easily be determined to get up in the morning, if my career is at stake, I can easily determine all my faculties and energies to things that question my abilities of being good enough, for becoming an Emergency Surgeon/neurosurgeon, but when it comes to proving the fact that I am a daughter of Guru jee, I have no determination, or if I do, it is only on things like being Kakkar dhari, or being a good person...and i don't even know what else....

In a way, it was my determination and trust on the fact that I will never regret being Guru jee's daughter for a single day.....that Last year on this same day I took Amrit! I knew, that this was my only chance, and that if I wait a while, I might be convinced to do otherwise, by people who influence me to an extent that they even rule my life sometimes........That's where I loose.... I am not at sale....and most people who know me closely, know that no one can tell me what to do......but really, I guess I sometimes loose in the hands of my family! I lose myself, and try to become theirs'  .....
I hate doing that, but I sometimes do.......
Probably, when I am not confident enough on my own decision, b/c of being a follower, not a leader of my life circumstances....

I think that nothing can corrode faith......I feel like I just started, and that Its fine to start slow, and rough, I realize how smooth the road is, and I want to experience every bit of the its luster on my life...and I wanna feel the journey really well.... I love how I can be absolutely absorbed in Simran at times, even when I don't deserve calling myself Guru jee's daughter.....I love how I've become so much more accepting to stuff that has to happen! I am growing..... growing in life itself, if not in Sikhi that much....I am ready to give it time...really!

=)

Take Care!
H.