Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh!
Guru jee has His ways, His ways for testing our perseverance......
There was a time, where sikhi was just in my dreams, and then there was a time for walking the walk....
Here, now is a time where thoughts purr constantly in my mind, as I start my Nitnem- there is no escape- bad dirty crap.... crap that hurts- crap that is too dirty to live with... fragments of the past, the future, the non-existent.
Crap that is pure lie- that is immoral... crap that I can never think of being~
But here's the funny part... I have found myself in my room, all by myself, with a spot light on, reading Bani for hours together.... AND during the times when my head and my heart are running in two different conflicting directions, of dirt and purity, of the Guru's Charan Kamal and the lap of Kaam, of love & light and dirty immoral thought crime....
I have slapped myself to consciousness of the Bani I was reading.
There have been times when I have literally slapped myself, beaten myself, and forced myself to concentrate on the Blissful Charan Kamal of Guru jee, who I know will never ever ever let go of me or ignore me, while I have ignored him, running behind others and the crap of 'thought crime'....
And in other times I have given in.... given in to crap~
And as previously mentioned, I am afraid of falling off this path- I can't take it for granted anymore... can't be in the heard for satisfying my ego.... can't walk to win the race, can't be in it for the heck of it.... I can't!
I need to be true to myself and to Guru Jee- If I say this head belongs to you- it has to be that kind of a head~
If I wear my kirpaan all the time, I have to live the Kirpaan, I have to be the Kirpaan- no more hypocrisy will work.... no more contradiction of my vision & my action/ or thought.
Sikhi has to be in every pore of my skin.... it has to be my truth- it must be in every word, deed and thought- in my head, hand and heart- I need to become a sikh- I would want to live in the Charan Kamal of my Guru...
I apologize, this post is for me more than for anyone else. But since this blog is my journal- I guess it works!
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_/\_
Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa
Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh!
"Sikhi has to be in every pore of my skin.... it has to be my truth- it must be in every word, deed and thought- in my head, hand and heart- I need to become a sikh- I would want to live in the Charan Kamal of my Guru..."
ReplyDeleteThis is so true, I can totally feel it with you...
Hugs!
Thanks for the comment Har Anand! I like how you found something you could relate with (and something positive) from this negative rant =)
ReplyDeleteThank You! *Hugs*
WJKK WJKF!