In the meantime, I wanted to share with you, something really cool that I happened to 'feel' in meditation (not really a meditative mode, but something like that) last night....
So, Last night, I got into my bed really late after finishing my exam prep., it was actually Amrit Vela already, b/c it must've been 2 or 3 am in the morning anyway. And I was still humming the tunes of some meditative style kirtan, and I started to do my kirtan Sohila in my head. Generally, if I have a bani memorized, I sing it in my head like a Nursery Rhyme with gestures, just like little kids do... I tend to still find myself lost in terms of Spirituality, but I think thats what my head was yielding...Generally I call it mental diarrhea, when you really want to concentrate and meditate on a bani, and live that moment in the Guru's word... and you are explicitly trying by singing it to yourself like a little baby, doing gestures explaining the words you understand, to yourself... So my mental Diarrhea, I remember, was pooping thoughts like Sim, you're so successful in everything, you got such a decent job, you got all the resources you need, you're the most cheerful, outgoinmg and perhaps the happiest person out there, you are such a cool kid; but in Guru jee's house, in Spirituality- and for once I dare use the term faithfulness, you are a big fat Zero... you...blah you blah... I don't even know...
Laying in my bed, in the dark, all by myself, I remember I was still singing my Kirtan Sohila, and trying to concentrate, but I was contemplating some thoughts on how I am socially very admirable in my Academic and professional circles, but I have been unknowingly (until that point) avoiding Sangat, I can't anymore, get myself to socialize with the 'holy people'/ members of our Congregation, even if they are very friendly... For some reason I've been feeling as if I do not belong with them and that I always behave Socially Awkward when I am in the Sangat, when asked a little question, I start giving endless speeches, when told to do something, I start feeling like I'm the boss of all... I don't know, I'm not like everyone else out there...they are way too humble, way too simple and way too faithful... or lets say, I'm just too much of a Fashion-ista, & just too much of an egoist... I don't know!
And while my mental thoughts were slapping me in the face, telling me that I totally do not belong to the Guru's house, I do not love Him enough to call myself His Sikh, and that I am not good enough....I suddenly, for no apparent reason threw my head back and started staring up at the blinds of my window, where very little faint diffused light was entering into my room, from somewhere very far... and I remeber I was almost on the last Shabad (Stanza) of the Sohila Sahib, Raag Gauri Poorbi Mahalla Panjwa,.... and all that mental diarrhea- those shitty houghts stopped, and for a few moments all I could hear was the part of my head saying... "Karoh Bainanti, sunoh mere meeta, Sant tehal ki baila...... ..."
Listen, my friends, I beg of you: now is the time to serve the Saints!
In this world, earn the profit of the Lord's Name, and hereafter, you shall dwell in peace. ((1))
and my multi tasking head (still singing Sohila sahib) cooked up another thought, It said & I clearly remember, Sim, you are a very difficult child, a child who makes endless mistakes on this path, you are really very difficult, very ridiculous, you don't really deliver your Spritual duties well, you fail at Rehit, you fail at doing Nitnem, you fail at Sikhi, you might be a big fat Zero in Spirituality; but trust me, Guru jee, your Pita jee (Father) Maharaaj, is never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever gonna let go of you, He's never ever ever gonna give up on you.
And warm tears suddenly started to roll down my eyes.
(its not even funny I remember noticing how warm my tears are!)
And I know that this was my inner voice, I hear it often and I know it...it is not Supernatural, I do not claim that....but I know that my inside believes in God's love and knows very well that My Guru jee is holding my hand, while I am struggling to climb up this cliff; and He will never let go of me, He will not let me fall and break all my bones
...and I sang..."Antarjaami Purakh Bidhatey, Sarda Man Ki Pooray ; Nanak Daas Ehai Sukh maangai moko kar Santan ki Dhoorey... Moko kar Santan Ki dhoorey..."
O Inner-knower, Searcher of Hearts, O Primal Being, Architect of Destiny: please fulfill this yearning of my mind.
Nanak, Your slave, begs for this happiness: let me be the dust of the feet of the Saints. ((4)(5))
That's so beautiful! :) Waheguru.
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